Chewing The Cross

So.... Sunday night I took the high schoolers, Kayla and Justin - as well as two of their friends - to the Bowling Alley in Lutz for a Senior High church event for the evening. Driving their two friends up to Lutz, they had a very interesting conversation. In that conversation the two girls were talking about their cell phones. Mind you, Kayla, Justin and Kayte used to have cell phones, but they abused their time on them and by the time Julie turned the phones off she owed over six THOUSAND dollars. (Kayte, Justin and Julie all blame Kayla for this.)

So anyways, the girls were talking about their cell phones and Kayla was recalling her fun times when she had a cell phone. She went on to tell the kids (and I've heard this story before) about how her mom (Julie) would text message her in the middle of the day - while she was at school - to say things like "your friend XX just said this on the computer" or "I'm watching our soap opera Passions, and you won't believe what Allister just did!" (then explain what it was). Mind you, Kayla is in SCHOOL doing classwork or taking tests! Then there is the times that Julie would call them because she was lonely at home and she'd ask them... "do you want to come home from school?" Of course the kids said "yes" and she'd drive to school and pick them up.

It reminded me that I want to make SURE this behavior is addressed by DCF before those kids go home. You see, I am SURE that these kinds of things were not addressed in her crappy "parenting class". I'm making a mental note now to make sure I talk to Natalia about that... or maybe I'll just begin to make a list of things to talk about in court in November. Either way, I'll make sure it's addressed.

So the question I know you are dying to ask is, did I sit quietly in the car and say nothing or did I say something to the kids when they were talking about this? Well... of COURSE I couldn't sit quietly, so I simply said "well, that was just poor parenting, wouldn't you agree?". I also made mention of the cell phone bill and it being the reason they were not getting cell phones until they were old enough to afford to get it on their own and pay for it. They of course made every argument of why they should be allowed to get cell phones.

But you know what... one of the girls there had her cell phone on and did nothing the entire time but Text message her friends. The entire ride up, while she was at the bowling alley, and the entire trip home. I mentioned to her something about it on the way home - I mentioned that it was one of the reasons I didn't think kids should have cell phones, that she was missing out on all the fun of the event they just came from. She said that she DID have fun, but --- again -- her head was stuck in this cell phone even as she defended her position; She couldn't sit the cell phone down to discuss it.

Another thing I know that I need to do is to make a list of things to talk to the Psychiatrist about when Kayla goes next month. I feel like I have this one shot to take her in and get a good diagnosis of what's going on with her... and I'm terribly afraid that I'll go in there with nothing other than what I can remember AT that time. Those of you who know me well know that I like to be very prepared!

I'm very concerned about Justin's grades. Usually Justin does pretty well in school. I know the change to High School was quite an adjustment, but his grades are slipping. As of today he has 2 A's, 1 B, 1 C and 3 D's. Two of the D's have gone down in the past week (one from a B to a D and the other from a C to a D). I've emailed the teachers to ask what they felt was going on. My first thought was baseball... his grades began to slip as soon as he started the team. But then again, with computer advancements, I can now check his grades weekly - so maybe the fluctuation is normal. I am not going to guess on this one, and I know the teachers have a much better handle on what's going on at school than I do, so I've asked them to help me figure it out.

Speaking of which - Julie AGAIN said it to me last Friday "so... I thought the kids were supposed to be doing so much better now that they are with you. I guess they are not, huh". I swear -- if she ever says that to me while in my presence, she's going to be swallowing some teeth. She has NO IDEA how much that infuriates me. Not JUST because I work so hard to keep on top of them and their grades, but also because I am so very well aware of what went on in HER house after Ron died. I would never condone hitting someone -- however -- I know how much of a 'hot button' this is for me, and I'm telling ya, I'd punch her lights out if she said that to my face.

Speaking of Julie, I believe that she is coming over on Wednesday. I've not been grocery shopping and I'm tempted to give her a list of things to bring and then offer to cook that night. That Blackened Chicken Alfredo I made a few weeks ago was sooooo good (if I do say so myself) and it was relatively easy. I know it would cost her less to pick up the ingredients than it would for her to get chicken or McDonald's. I just called her and asked her about it and she said 'maybe' she wanted that. She might want to just pick up Chicken fro Popeyes... we'll see. Oh well, at least I asked!

I also just sent Julie an email. She was out shopping today for more stuff for the kids - some movie that Kayte has seen more than 30 times and she asked Julie to buy it for her. I got to thinking about it.... and......... Christmas is right around the corner. There is just flat out no way possible I can afford to do Christmas for everyone this year. Last year, with the trauma of how they came to live with me on such short notice, we had someone from the Church buy them Christmas presents. This year there is no way I could ask something like that again, even if Julie were not making excess money. But she is making excess money, so -- I simply sent her this: "Instead of buying the kids things they want but that they don't truly need, please save that money. Save for Christmas. I know you don't usually do Christmas presents because you can't usually afford a lot right at that time. Well, if you start saving right now, you'll have plenty of money to buy them gifts at Christmas." Being her big sister, I already know how this is going to go over.... like a ton of bricks. But I'll be darned if I'm going to sacrifice something like not paying bills or a mortgage payment in order to go out and get Christmas gifts when she's got extra money every week/month. It's just not fair.

I told mom about it who told me "You can't force her to do it" or something like that. And she's right. But on the other hand... I could call her hand by telling her that I'm going to buy for MY kids and she HAS to buy her HER kids. Not ask. Not request. Just assume that she is - finally - going to take care of her own kids - at least on this ONE day.

What else can I tell you about. Jonathan and Justin are arguing a lot lately. The latest heated debate was over my necklace. I've had a necklace with a crucifix on it for over 20 years. Maybe 6 or 7 months ago, Jonathan wore it - and lost it in his bedroom. I was really upset with him. Not so much that the necklace was all that important, but because he didn't take good care of it when I trusted him with it. (You should see his room to know how easy it would be to lose something in there) Well... lately Justin has been wearing it.

Come to find out, Justin has a nasty habit of putting it into his mouth and biting it. So, when I went to get it back from him, there are tooth marks all through the middle of Jesus and the back of the cross. ICK! So I've resolved to let him keep it. I do admit, I've not made the 'scene' that I did when Jonathan lost the necklace earlier this year, but I really don't know why. Because he's not my son and I have more of a vested interest in how responsible Jonathan is? I really don't know. But I know I wasn't as upset about Justin eating my necklace. Jonathan saw the necklace last night and got really upset with Justin, yelling at him for breaking the one crucifix his mom has owned for over 20 years. I'm touched that he cared so much that he got upset about it, but -- he should have come to me with it -- or handled it differently with Justin. Maybe if instead of getting angry and yelling at Justin he had just explained that his mom's had that necklace since Amanda was born and that he thought it wasn't very nice of him to... 'eat' it. I dunno... but I DO know that a 13 year old yelling at a 14 year old is not a good thing.

I tried to explain some to Chris that part of their arguing is normal sibling stuff. Being an only child... he never had anyone to really argue with. Lord knows I did! I know they are not really siblings... but right now, they are forced to behave and live like siblings.

And.... I'll say it again... Jonathan is an ANGEL for putting up with all he's had to endure over the past year. No matter what, he's a true hero in my book! Gosh I love that boy!

Well, as discussed in the beginning of my blog, I've made a little list.... no...... not list.... it's really a letter.... to bring with me to Kayla's psychiatric appointment. I hope it sums up everything about Kayla. Here's what I have so far:

“You cannot change that which you do not acknowledge”
(I put this in here on purpose. This psychiatrist will meet with both Kayla and myself together. I have to read this aloud in front of Kayla and I want her to hear that quote before I begin the story)

Family history: Mom is diagnosed Bipolar w/ Borderline Features & Self Mutilation

Kayla history:
Kayla’s dad (Ron) passed away a little more than 2 years ago as a result of Leukemia and a kidney disease he obtained while serving our country in the Gulf War. Kayla loved Ron, although he was not her real father. Julie had slept with several men and did not know who her father was. Julie met Ron when Kayla was only a week old and they married only ONE week after the first time they met. Julie, at that time, had not put any man’s name on the birth certificate, so she put Ron’s on there. Because of this, legally and in the eyes of the military, Kayla was now Ron’s child.

Throughout their 15-year marriage, Julie suffered from her mental illness – but Ron was able to hold the family together throughout. Julie has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times. Julie has always had a ‘need’ for men… physical & sexual need. At times she had affairs, one time she filed a false report to the military claiming she was raped so that they would send Ron (who was then stationed overseas) home to be with her. After Ron died, Julie began dating multiple men and at times moved men in at-will. Most of the time men would move in without money or jobs. I know all three kids found this extremely frustrating.

One of the men Julie moved in was Arthur. Arthur was one of the men Julie was sleeping with when she got pregnant. For years, he wanted to believe that he WAS Kayla’s birth-father. However, he took two paternity tests; both showed he was not the father. (Arthur insisted the tests were wrong) Kayla, for some reason, wants to believe that he is. I know he has bought things for Kayla, and of course, she loves that, but they also had some other bond, and I’m not really sure why. Obviously, when Ron was alive, Arthur was around very little. There were the occasional affairs while Ron was stationed overseas, but there was no ‘love’. After Ron died, he moved in with Julie, but things got bad quickly. By the time he moved out, he was literally thrown out of the house. Julie had to check with the police to see what could be done about having him removed from the house. Julie was arrested at one point for hitting him (domestic abuse). It was ugly. When he left, he did and said a LOT of very bad things: he emailed everyone Julie knew and told them what a horrible mom she was and threatened to tell her ‘dirty little secrets’. He called the kids and Julie horrible names. He told Kayla that he was GLAD that he was not her father, and went on to say horrible things about both Kayla and Julie.

However, even with all of this history from Arthur, Julie and Kayla still very much love this man. He had a stroke recently and Julie called him so many times that the family had to call and beg her to stop calling. Kayla has no problem asking him for expensive shoes. When Kayla found out Arthur had a stroke, she cried all day at school. I really don’t understand this relationship, and frankly, I don’t think it’s healthy.

I should also give you history on their removal from their mom’s house. After Ron died, Julie did pretty much whatever she wanted to and began to slip into severe drug and prescription abuse. By the time the kids were removed from the home by DCF, Julie was into “huffing”, smoking pot every day, had gang members living IN her house, overdosing every single day in hopes of ending her life, severe self-mutilation, and took her prescriptions to get high daily. Other past drug abuse was using pot laced with cocaine. When the kids were removed, they lived in this nightmare daily. I know for a fact all three kids had tried pot on more than one occasion each. (Their ages at the time of removal were 12, 13 and 14) I heard rumors that Julie and Kayla both had slept with the same young man (unbeknownst to each other); however, I can not confirm this. At one point in this two-year spree, Julie took Kayla in for the tattoo which she currently has on her back. It’s the width of her ENTIRE back side – its Tigger flipping the bird, with her ‘gang name’ under it. Julie sees nothing wrong with getting tattoos for her children. When they were removed by DCF, Julie had plans of putting one on her 12-year old. It was going to be the same one that Julie has on her arm – roughly a foot length-wise, and angel w/ wings, and Ron’s birth date and date of death on it. Again, to this day, Julie sees nothing wrong with putting a tattoo on her 12-year old kids. Further, neither do her kids.

I know the kids love their mom unconditionally, and I can respect that. But I’m afraid if they do not acknowledge the mistakes Julie made, they may slip back into the same habits they had when living at home. I know that this should be mostly Julie’s responsibility, but – with Kayla at the age of 15 or even 16 by the time she goes back home – I would hope she could identify some of the things that might crop up and help guide her mom in the right direction. An example of a simple thing Kayla should be able to identify is how Julie used to text message Kayla during school! Or… she would pull one of the kids out of school just because she was lonely and wanted someone to be home with her. It is my hope that Kayla can become enough of a well-rounded mature girl that she can help her mom with this.

Kayla has always been very outgoing. If there was a camera, she’d do whatever it took to make sure she was front and center. She was a charismatic child who was always fun to be around.

The first memory of Kayla’s stealing was when she was three. She was with her paternal grandmother who was shopping. Kayla took something and tried to hide it. When confronted, she told the grandmother that it was what she had seen her mom and her mom’s friend do. Kayla has been picked up for shoplifting two other times by police – but charges were later dropped (both times) due to enrolling in a first time offender program. Other than that, the family knows not to leave things out when Kayla is around. Kayla will ‘take at will’ what she wants. Most of the time when Kayla takes something (money, jewelry, etc) ALL the family knows that she did it, but Kayla refuses to admit it, even when the facts are staring at her right in the face. Because of her lack of admission of guilt and failure to own up to her behavior, I am uncertain of how to ‘trust her’ again in this regard.

Kayla has an extremely difficult time admitting she’s done something wrong. Even the simplest of things, she somehow believes that she is believable when she’s lying. However, the entire family can easily see through her lies. An extremely simple example of this is: Kayla uses a TON of hair product so we have purchased two sets of everything. Kayla woke up one morning before Kayte and was using Kayte’s hairspray. Kayte woke up, saw her, and said “Kayla!!” Kayla, knowing she was just busted, dropped the can of hairspray, quickly picked up her own bottle, began again to spray, and then stopped, turned, and said “yes”… as if the last 15 seconds never happened. Kayte asked why she was using her hairspray, and Kayla refused to admit that she had. At one point during the argument, Kayla bent over to re-cap the hairspray on the floor, Kayte looked at her doing it and said “If you didn’t use it, and didn’t drop it on the floor, why are you re-capping it and how did it get on the floor?” To this day Kayla will not admit she was caught. This is ONE example of lies that occur all the time.

Kayla is – most of the time – manic. She’s happy, outgoing, extremely artsy, busy and likes it when it’s all about her. I’ve never seen her truly ‘depressed’ but I have seen her very upset. Most of the time she’ll take it out on her sister, Kayte, when she’s ‘upset’. There was one time when they were living with me that Kayla didn’t talk to Kayte for weeks because she was ‘upset’. Kayla admitted she wasn’t upset WITH Kayte, but she just took it out on her. Other times (and rather often) she’ll just tell Kayte “I hate you”. This deeply hurts Kayte and she doesn’t understand it.

Kayla does what I believe is her own form of self-mutilation. She bites her nails up to her knuckles like nothing I have EVER seen before. I bite my nails, my dad bit his, my kids bite theirs, my grandmother bit hers… I know that there has to be some kind of genetics to it. However, Kayla goes way beyond anything I’ve ever seen before. Her fingers literally look as if she stuck them in a grinder of some sort and turned it on. Other than her nails/fingers, Kayla has not issues with self-confidence. She is extremely happy with herself, dresses nice and always wants to look her best. Kayla

has an extremely difficult time asking for anything. When she first moved in with us we actually had to have a session of ‘role-play’ where we asked her to ask for something as simple as if she could have a sandwich. She found this unbearable to do, but she has improved. Nowadays when she has something really important to ask, she will write me a note.

Kayla has also had a life-long problem with bedwetting. She refuses to admit it is still a problem, however, I believe it IS still a problem. I know that she was still bedwetting on occasion when she lived at home with her mom. Since living with me she has wet the bed at least 3 times to my knowledge, and I’m sure there are others that I am unaware of. Each time something happens, she refuses to admit she’s done it, even though covered in urine (which I believe goes back to the failure to admit she’s lying problem). Over the summer she went camping with other teens. Kayla wet the bed, but refused to admit she did… she claimed someone threw water on her. The camp counselors smelled the wetness and knew it was urine, but wanted to give Kayla the benefit of the doubt. They called each camper in one at a time and questioned them as to if they threw water on her or not. Each camper said “no”. They called me to ask if she had a history of bedwetting, and I (of course) said yes. They explained what had happened. They expressed their frustration that – even though it smelled of urine, she refused to admit it might be and further, she blamed it on other campers who had to be individually questioned. Other occasions have happened at home. Kayla’s sister Kayte will no longer sleep in the same bed with her as it has happened a couple of times. However, again, Kayla admits to nothing. I’ve explained to her that it’s MEDICAL… that there is treatment for it. But again, she states nothing is wrong.

The other thing I would like to share with you is Kayla’s struggle with making good decisions. When she first moved in with us – there was rarely a day that went by when she didn’t do something ‘wrong’. We quickly found out that – when left to her own devices for decision making – she’d make the wrong choice. From deciding to go on a 2 hour walk with a guy we’d never met without telling us she was leaving to making phone calls at 2am. From stealing at the mall to creating a false identity on Myspace to pick up men. Kayla doesn’t do anything “a little” – everything she does is over the top. If she’s allowed to talk on the phone, it rings non-stop. If she’s allowed to be on the computer, she’s on it all the time and/or doing inappropriate things online. If she’s allowed to go to the movies, she stays out too late without checking in. If allowed to go for a walk, she’d be gone for 4 hours without checking in.

I should expand on the Myspace topic because I’m afraid it correlates very much with some similar actions from her mom. When they moved in with us, we allowed them to keep their Myspace accounts, as long as we had full access to it, as long as their profiles were set to private and as long as they personally KNEW each person on their friends list. This changed quite a bit over the months that followed as Kayla would say she actually knew 300+ people, some not even in Tampa. We made all the kids downsize their list to no more than 35 friends. However, we found out later that Kayla had multiple online identities. One that I found was a site she created just to pick up men. Her screen name was ‘Shannon’ and she lives in Paris. She set up the account to be public and had a beautiful picture of some woman on her site. Men would ask for her information, and she would tell them that SHE was taken, but she has a cousin in Tampa who might be interested in them, then she would give them Kayla’s info. When I caught her, she had 87 people as friends, and most of them grown men. I don’t believe Kayla did this to ‘pick up’ men. I believe she did it so that the guys could tell her how pretty she is. I believe that – as popular is Kayla is, as pretty as she is, as outgoing and likeable as she is, she has an innate need to be told how pretty, likeable and popular she is. In this regard, I believe she is very much like her mom.

More than anything, I do not want the good and wonderful things about Kayla to change. However, I would like not-so-good things to change: the lying, the stealing, the mood swings, the self-mutilation, the bedwetting, her anger with Kayte, her failure to make good decisions, and her inability to do anything without overdoing it.