Cheapskate!

What is it that makes people, mostly when they become parents I think, decide not to buy stuff for themselves? My kids have lots of stuff... Game boy, X-box, shoes, clothes, lots of cool jeans... they don't get everything they want and when they (Julie's kids) want a $200 pair of shoes, their Grandma Gwen usually buys it for them, but suffice to say the kids are taken care of.

I see these people on "What Not To Wear" - the television show... the kind of people who completely neglect themselves for the sake of providing for the kids. But at what point does it get to be too much? At what point do you realize that you are not just cutting corners, you are actually neglecting yourself??

Yesterday I was at work thinking. (Going to get somewhat personal here, so for the guys I apologize now, in advance.) Chris has no sneakers - NONE - he has ONE pair of work boots that look HORRIBLE and the laces are broken, a pair of flip-flops that are LITERALLY paper thin from being worn too much, and one pair of dress shoes which he wears to Church every Sunday. Fitting since they are 'holy'... only the wrong kind of holy... they have holes in them, top and bottom. Not small holes, big ones. So I was at working thinking of this as I kept adjusting my bra... which was completely worn out since I only own ONE. I have to wash it all the time then put it back on, and I've lost well over 45 pounds now so it doesn't fit right at all. I was thinking.... why????

So... I got home last night. Chris had a horrible day -- but I said "get in the car, we are leaving." He was confused but obliged me. I drove to Target to get another bra and took him to Famous Footwear to get flip-flops, sneakers and dress shoes.

My bosses wife was in the office today and noticed my jeans had become rather baggy. Well, I was a size 22 and am now into a 16 - so of course they are. Am I supposed to go out and buy all new clothes?? I'm not at my goal weight yet! So... I get what I can here and there - CHEAP. But it's the 'can' in "I get what I CAN" that keeps killing me. Jeans are rarely cheap enough for me to want to buy them, but I do have 1 pair in my real size now. Good enough, eh? -- ARGH -- there I go again! Why do I feel this way? I'm a cheapskate - that's the problem!!

I suppose I'm in a bit of panic mode right now since our informal picnic class reunion is this Saturday. It's 21 years this year. I have to go fatter than I was in high school (well, when I wasn't pregnant that is) and in clothes that don't fit well! SHEEEEEEESH!!! Relax Tina... it'll be fine.....

Speaking of being a cheapskate... let me tell you what happened at Church the other day. We went to this event they had to 'give back' to all those who volunteer their time. It was really great fun... they had a bit of food, singing and a Christian comedian. We sat in front of this lady whom we've not yet met. When asked about 'us' we told her a little about what we had going on in our home. She sat there and said "Something in my heart is telling me to give this to you" and she gives us a $25 gift card for dinner (at Chili's or Macaroni Grill). Well, first of all, Chris and I do not go out much on our own for dinner without the kids. But this seemed like what we were supposed to do with it (and she said that it was for the two of us to go out and enjoy one night). Well, let me tell you, I LOOOOVE Macaroni Grill. So - Chris and I had another date-night recently! We sang at Church that Saturday night, dropped off 7 kids at the skating rink for Kayla's informal skating party, then went to dinner together - just the two of us. So sweet! And how very thoughtful of this woman. It was just what we needed!

Julie is coming over for a visit tonight. Oooooo... I haven't blogged about Julie since her remarkable recovery. On THE day she had to return to work - she was suddenly much better. She's now clear on the phone, doesn't sound slurred or drugged. This just makes me feel even more positive that she was on SOME kind of medication to make herself that way. But I am happy she's doing better. Let's hope the visit tonight isn't filled with as many 'when do you think I'll get the kids back' discussions.

The kids are doing well. Did I tell you that ALL of them got GREAT report cards??? Not one single D or F!! Yeah, I did... but I'm telling you again! Ha ha ha Progress reports come home next Monday... so let's just hope and pray that they are all still on the right track.

Jonathan has really picked up the Piano... it's amazing. I fully believe that it's at least partially because of his Asperger Syndrome (a form of Autism). They said he'd be really good at some things... and this is definitely one of them. He hears a song... and goes to the piano and just learns it. His keyboard will let him record, so he'll record the 'under-track' and then play that while playing -- making it sound incredible. He definitely has talent. I'd love to get him lessons... but that's down the road a little bit I think. Besides... some people argue that a person who plays well by ear shouldn't learn to play by reading. I dunno... I just don't want ANYTHING to take away the fun he's having with it now. I remember my piano lessons... lots of repetition and scales.... fingers must be this way.... sit up straight.... etc. I want him to have as much fun as he can. :o)

Amanda is doing well. She and her boyfriend Gene (yes... the 40-year-old-man) moved into their own place. She's working, as is he. He's driving 45 min a day to get to work... with no vehicle, as his was repoed... so I'm not sure how he's doing. But I know Amanda is happy to have her own apartment. This is her first time living somewhere where she is pulling her own weight... paying rent, utilities, food, etc. I try to warn her of the 'life lessons' I learned the hard way... but she's pretty determined to do things her way regardless. I'm just happy that she is healthy and happy. What more could a mom ask for???

Some of you asked about mom. She is doing just fine. Her heart was messed up before, and it's my understanding that this thing they did was supposed to fix it for her... so it's a good thing!

Well, I just decided on the name for this post - 'cheapskate' - and it's probably fitting for my frame of mind today! And thinking of that makes me think of something else you can all pray about. Our VEHICLES. Our little Durango has been a live saver since getting the kids. It's a work-truck for Chris and it's the only vehicle that all 6 or 7 of us can get into. When we didn't know for sure how long the kids were going to be with us, we thought - after they go home, we'll just buy a little 4-cylinder car for just Chris, Jono and I. Well.... now that's not an option. The transmission is getting pretty bad in the Durango and I suppose it's just a matter of time before it's gone all together. Our credit tanked after the kids moved in, so buying something right now is not really a good idea. We've got to make due with what we have. So... pray that God will let us ride around in it a little longer. Four years longer would be perfect actually. :o) God can do anything -- so squeezing 4 years life out of this Durango isn't so impossible!

Boy... I didn't really mean to just vent on rotten things today - but that sure is what it looks like! From shoes and bras to cars.... LOL

Hey... have you thanked God today for your blessings? What about your obstacles?? You know, those things help us as well. Sometimes when going through or around an obstacle, we can learn and experience the most wonderful experiences of our lives. If you haven't done so yet today... do it now..... :o)

Exhausted

This is going to be a quick blog as I'm physically and emotionally exhausted.

First off... my mom is in the hospital having just had some kind of surgery on her heart. I got the news a couple of hours ago that she was in recovery and doing well. I've had this cold so I'm not going to see her at the hospital tonight.... but do please keep her in your prayers for a quick recovery. Love you mom!

Next... Julie came over for a visit tonight. She had planned on coming over every Wednesday night. Since she checked out of the hospital yesterday 'against medical advice', I wasn't sure if she was coming over. I called her at 5pm and she sounded horrible - slurring and sleepy. She said she DID want to come over tonight, but she thought it was mid-morning and said she'd be over later tonight. I explained that it was already 5 at night and maybe she should come over another day. Nope... she wanted to come over today. I asked her if she was in any 'condition' to drive - she said she could, so she came over.

To say the visit was odd would be an understatement. Julie was out of it... maybe just not feeling well... but I think a little more than that. She wanted her kids to just hug her and hold her. She told them that they could move back in with her when they turned 18. They said they were going to college then, and she -- really emphasized she wanted them home. It was just weird. She seemed......... like she could fall asleep while just sitting there. Tired, obviously very tired... and kept shutting her eyes and drifting off into sleep while talking or listening.

Oddly, Kayte and Justin both thought she was fine. Kayla at one point asked Julie what was wrong with her, and Kayte and Justin both told their mom that they thought she was just fine. Kayla wanted answers. She was obviously upset with her mom... saying "why couldn't you just stay in the hospital when you need to be there, or stay out of the hospital and just get better on your own". I explained to Kayla (in front of Julie) that she needed to try to understand that this (I said as pointing out Julie sitting at the table, enormously overweight, perhaps drugged on some kind of medication, sleeping even as I was talking and certainly in her own little world) might be as good as her mom COULD do. And that... if this was indeed as good as it gets... that she was going to have to learn to be okay with it.

Another reason Kayla was obviously upset (and she said so to Julie) was that Julie didn't call her on her birthday yesterday. Julie sure knows when it's Ron's birthday or date of his death. But yesterday, she had no clue that it was Kayla's 16th birthday. When Kayla asked her about it, Julie said that she had called to talk to Kayla. Lucky for me that when Julie called for me, I couldn't find a phone and I had her on speaker phone at the time because Kayte actually reminded her mom that she DIDN'T remember it was Kayla's birthday, nor did she ask to talk to her. She just said something about 'oh, was that today?' and then changed the subject. Julie denied it, but Kayte said that she was in the room when Julie called. (Kayte who, up until this time, was very much on her mom's side of everything all night) Julie - of course - came with nothing today, not even a card or a 'happy birthday' hug and kiss for Kayla. I know Kayla was deeply hurt by this. Sheesh.........

All of the kids questioned Julie as to why she was baker's acted (which Julie now denies) and why she left against medical advice. Julie just told them she simply didn't want to be there. I explained to her that leavng AMA usually means your insurance isn't going to foot the bill, but she said she didn't care. But... as fate would have it... Julie has to go back to the hospital anyways. Dr. Vergeese and her work both say she needs a note saying she was in the hospital. Since she left AMA, they didn't give her anything. They didn't even give her drivers license back because they really didn't want her to leave. Sigh............ She's going to have to go back in and be evaluated if they are going to write her a note.

I tried to explain to Dr. Vergeese and Nick what it is like when Julie comes over. She sits somewhere... sofa... chair... table.... and demands that everything be done for her and that everyone do what she wants them to do. Pluck my eyebrows... rub my feet... get me a sandwich.... get me a drink... pass me the remote.... rub my back.... scratch my arm............ get my shoes...... what's for dinner?..... it's never ending and exhausting.

More than anything I want Julie to come over here and ACT like a mother. But that's just not going to happen.

Oooooo... and I also found out today that the kids (Kayla, Justin and Kayte) all watched that Movie that Julie brought over - Jackass 2 - unrated. I was FURIOUS with them over this. They knew I didn't want them to... that I objected to it. But their mom brought it so they thought it was fine anyways.

A prelude of things to come??? I guess time shall tell.

For now... I've got to run. I still don't feel well myself with this cold. And ... I have a big day tomorrow. But more on that at another time.

It's Official....

Well.... it's official. The kids have been given to us permanently. Julie is not allowed to see them unless she is 'within eye-site of me at all times'.

I was surprised at how quick everything went today. I arrived right at 10 an they called us back first. Julie wasn't there, she is still in the hospital. Her attorney wasn't there. I tried to call Julie on my cell phone and tell her to call in so that she could be on speaker phone for the meeting, but the Judge wouldn't have it. (He chastized me for being on the phone.) He said he wouldn't allow her to 'call in' for the meeting anyways.

The DCF said everything they had to say. They explained that although Julie had been trying to follow her case plan, she was not mentally... maturing. They stated that she was unable to be present today because she had been baker's acted. They said that Julie told them the reason she was in the hospital was because of her sugar, but Nick stated that when he spoke with her in person there, that he couldn't even understand her - she had such slurred speech. He stated that he felt that Julie was in the hospital for some kind of misuse of medication. He stated that her decision making process was not good and therefore they were changing their request for unsupervised visits and asking the courts that all Julie's visits be supervised. The judge agreed.

The asked the guardian ad litem for their thoughts. They said that they 'whole-heartedly agreed' with the decision to give us permanent custody with only supervised visits by Julie.

The judge asked me if I was clear on what 'supervised vists' meant. He told me that Julie was never to be with the kids when she was not within eye-site of me. I told him that I understood.

Then the judge asked me if I had any questions. I had written a list between last week and this week to take with me. (surprise, surprise huh? LOL)

The kids will still have Medicaid benefits which is good because that gives them Dental coverage. I then realized that ALL of my other questions/concerns were null and void. Other questions I was going to ask were: What if Julie takes them and breaks the rules? Who do I call? What happens when Julie goes back to court and tries to get her kids back... can you assure me that they will re-staff the case and not just give them back to her immediately? But with Supervised visits... none of these things are of issue. The judge and everyone there pretty much told me that, given Julie's mental health issues - she would need a miracle to get her kids back.

When I called to tell Julie as best I could about what happened, and she found out that her visits had to be supervised she said "well, I guess since you weren't going to let me bring them to my house that's fine. I can't do anything anyways. I don't care." I was dumbfounded at this response. Her lack of caring. She could take them ANYWHERE - except her home. And yet, because of that, she doesn't care about seing them alone. Just sad really.

I went to the prayer chapel at Church this past Sunday and prayed about the whole thing. Julie had just been baker's acted earlier that day... and I knew that this was going to GREATLY affect what was going to happen at court today. I prayed and angry prayer... asking God WHY... why did Julie have to go through all of this? Why can't He, who can do ANYTHING, just make her better - like right NOW? In my heart I felt the answer.... Julie has had mental illness for 37 years... if she were healed, it would be a process - a long process, no overnight. Not in a month. Not even in a year. 37 years of mental problems... and it was going to take quite some time for her to get better, if it's possible for her to do so.

Julie probably should have never had kids to begin with. But she had Ron, and he was her rock... her strength... he gave Julie and those kids 13 happy years. He went to war to fight for our freedom and as a result, went to be with God. And the BEST place for these kids as a result of all of this... is with me. How great it is though that the kids AND Julie had those 13 years.

I remember when we first got the kids... we all felt Julie needed long-term treatment. You know, one of those places Dr. Phil sends his guests to... the kind of place that nobody should really be able to afford but they are out there anyways. Julie needs something like that. Some place where they will really listen to her. Dig deep into her psyche. Teach her how to take pills without abusing them. Teach her how to take care of herself. And really work with her. Yet, I don't know if such a place exists for people like Julie. Instead she is bakers acted, treated for 24-48 hours and released. Sigh.........

Today is Kayla's 16th Birthday. We are taking her to some crab place down in Brandon. I want to celebrate with the kids... but I don't know if that is the right thing to do. For if you look at it another way, today it's official that their mom lost custody of them permanently. Although, I'd rather think of it as the day their relationship with their mom -- changed. She's still a part of their lives. She still can come and see them. She can still attend their birthday parties, Christmas, Easter, etc. She just isn't charged with raising them. She can truly BE more of a friend than a mom... which is what she was trying to do anyways. And yet... I don't know how the kids are going to take it.

But ya know... these kids are resiliant. They have shocked me at every turn. They are great kids who get better every day. I'll bet they are going to surprise me with how well they take this news today. :o)

Speaking of today... I finally got the cold that everyone else had last week. YUCK, I feel horrible. Happy, yet horrible. :o) And with that, I've got to run to work - lunch time is over. Thank you for all of your prayers. Please continue them as we begin a new chapter in our lives.

Baker's Act and Report Cards

Something is going on with Julie - yet again. Sigh........

I called her at 2 pm this afternoon to talk to her about Kayla's birthday on Tuesday. On the other end of the phone was this person's voice whom I have not heard in quite some time. Every time she talked, you could only hear slurred speech and confusion - I was actually laughing at one point because I had to ask her to repeat herself four times. I put her on speaker phone so that Chris could hear her as well. It was awful. She had not yet even gotten out of bed.

There are a couple of reasons she could be like this. One is that she is on a cough medicine with Codiene in it. Julie doesn't take anything as directed or in moderation, so she very well may have taken too much. Or.... combined with the fist full of pills she takes every day, maybe there was some kind of reaction. The other reason could be her insulin.

She is supposed to take from 6 - 12 units a day. Julie REMEMBERS taking no less than 210 units today. Two hundred and ten. She just called me and told me that her doctor recommended that her doctor thinks she should go to the Emergency Room. (Gee... ya THINK????) It never occured to Julie that taking thirty-five times the regular dose of insulin might actually HURT her.

Julie said that she didn't want to go to the ER because 'it would be held against her in court'. I told her that it would be held against her if she was nearly dying and did nothing about it! I tried to explain to her that she needed to take CARE of herself. That... months from now... or years from now... if she was taking good care of herself; eating right, exercising, mentally strong and stable; that these kinds of things (running the the hosptial all the time) would be a non-issue. And THAT was what the court was looking for... they are looking for her to be STABLE. Not for her to refuse medical treatment when needed. She simply............ doesn't get it.

On to good news.

The kids got their report cards. ALL FOUR of them have all A's, B's and a few C's. NOBODY received a D or an F. This is the FIRST TIME EVER that they have done this. I am so so so so so proud of them.... you just can't imagine. When Kayla realized that she was not on restriction for the first time in a very long time, she nearly cried she was so happy.

Jonathan, well I could just do kart-wheels I'm so happy for him. He is spending the night and day with his Nana and Papa Jimmie. This is GREAT for him since he doesn't get to see them very much anymore (now that we are so far from South Tampa). I miss him though.... I called him on the phone and almost didn't recognize him because his voice was so low. :o)

Someone at church today asked me if I knew why the kids had done so well in school. I'm telling ya... it has to be the Wow Wall. Surrounding the kids with positive motivation all the time, it's worked for them. They strive to get A's and B's to put up on the wall and have little 'contests' with each other to see who has the most on the Wow Wall. All the striving for the A's and B's to put up on the wall have helped their grades go up. Yeah!

At Church today we talked about going from "Whatever" to "Wow". I realized during the sermon that we have not lived a "whatever" life since the end of 2006 when everything happened with the kids. Pastor Matthew talked about how sometimes God wants to do something in our life but we resist. I thought of all the things that God has asked us to do in our lives... and we have not resisted at all. None of it. Questioned it, sure. But at the same time realized that it was out of our hands and trused that God knew what he was doing. Oddly I then found an email from my mom when I was talking to her when all of this first happened. I was afraid... afraid of taking the kids... what it would mean financially... what a huge undertaking... the feeling of taking them 'from' my sister... afraid that I didn't have any more to give (remember we still had Doug at home and he wasn't doing well and Amanda had just moved out)... afraid that I wasn't the 'right' person to be doing this - maybe their Grandma Gwen should take them, or Auntie Katie.

What I kept thinking about during Matthew's message was that he really didn't talk about how to KEEP living the wow life if you are already there. Because, let me be the first to tell ya, SURE it's stressful over here and down-right crazy at times. But it's also incredible to live in the 'wow'... and I want to keep it up. I'm certain that at some point down the road things are going to calm down and a "new normal" will be established. Once that happens, it may FEEL like there are less "wows" as they won't be as evident or -- in your face, so to speak. But I still want to live for Him... doing the right thing, every day of my life.

Speaking of doing the right thing. Julie just called. She is at the hosptial and nearly wrecked her car getting there. (She drove herself there - can't say a sentance straight - but drove herself.) They do not feel it was the insulin, they believe she has overdosed on her prescriptions. Julie claims she didn't, but in her frame of mind... maybe she doesn't remember. I do know that when Julie doesn't feel well (and she's been sick lately) she tends to take pills until she feels better. They said they are going to bakers act her. She said that it's okay because Brandon Hospital doesn't have a psychiatric ward so it won't look to the courts as if she went in for psychiatric reasons. I don't know what this means now about Tuesday, if she'll be out of the hospital in time for the court hearing. I told her that she should call Nick (he probably should hear her right now in the manner in which she is speaking) and ask him herself. While talking to her about this, she said "I thought that mom did....." then she stopped, and I said "what are you talking about?" She said, "oh, I was dreaming!" Jeez............ Something is most definately wrong with her, and as I said before, I haven't heard her this bad since last Christmas.

Jonathan just got home... and I missed him terribly this weekend. I better run.

Joy is not in things, it is in us.
Benjamin Franklin

Julie's Latest Roommate/Boyfriend

Yesterday afternoon was horrid. I received a phone call from Nick (the DCF/Hillsborough Kids supervisor).

Let me start by asking you this question..... "What is the ONE thing that would be the WORST kind of person Julie could meet and bring into her life. Worst being the worst case scenario for her wanting to get her kids back and her wanting unsupervised visits?" Think of the answer to that question and keep reading.

Nick told me that Julie's former roommate, Kat, had called in and written a report (complaint or accusation) about Julie and some poor decisions she had been making. Kat approached DCF because she was afraid of Julie being alone with her kids, which Julie had told her was going to happen soon. As I said, Kat was a roommate of Julie's and she has a small baby. Kat up and moved out with no notice one day - Julie came home and all of Kat's stuff was just -- gone. Kat named names of guys who were dating and (Kat says) living with Julie. One of them was named Rafael. Nick told me he could not tell me any more than that. I asked Nick if this guy was in a gang or was wanted by police and he said no.... but he couldn't tell me any more than that.

I found out shortly thereafter what was going on. Julie was online in some chat room where she met this guy... Rafael... the chat room was for parents who had 'lost' their kids. Rafael too had lost his children to DCF - lost them because he was sexually molesting them. Julie knew of this, but claims that she believes he didn't do it, even said that she had seen something in writing saying he didn't do it. (Course Julie isn't the brightest about this kind of thing) When Kat gave his name... DCF knew exactly who he was as they were actively working on his case. Because Nick was on his case, he was unable to give me any information about it.

I'm assuming that this was the reason Kat moved out of the house. And to say that DCF and the Guardian Ad Litem's office is a buzz about this would be a huge understatement. They are on fire... moving fast.

Nick plans on surprising Julie with a home visit. He said that there is absolutely no way she can possibly have unsupervised visits given this new information. He says... this changes everything. At next Tuesday's meeting he plans on closing the case an NOT allowing unsupervised visits. This would KILL Julie. My mind is reeling... my heart is breaking for her... and there is not a darn thing I can do about any of it.

Ironically, I'm not surprised. Julie is and always has been a sex addict, so her having men living there is not of a surprise to me - nor is it a surprise that she had a total and complete lack of rational thought about this man's morals and bringing him into her life given is shady past and current open investigation. This is one of the reasons the kids were taken from Julie to begin with -- Julie doesn't think about what is in the best interest of her Children... Julie does what is in Julie's best interest. Period.

On the positive emotional side of it, it's better that this is something that happened that Julie 100% did on her own and I had not a single iota of a hand in. (Meaning, unlike Julie offering the kids alcohol in my house, where I still was THERE and I was still the one who had to REPORT it.) I suppose if they are going to not allow her to have unsupervised visits, it's better for ME that it is because of something she did on her own that was reported some other way other than by me.

I asked Nick what was going to happen if Julie just said "Oh, I just know him, I'm not dating him. And if it'll make everyone feel better, I'll just stop seeing him". He said the problem was not only in that she was dating him, it was her horrible lack of judgement in doing so and her hiding it from everyone.

Dottie reminded me of the staffing in which DCF said they were going to have to do a home study on Julie and her house. (Come out and completely analyze everything going on in and around your home) They said they 'needed' to do this because Kat was there. Julie QUICKLY pointed out that Kat no longer lived there and she had no intentions of moving anyone else in, so they did not need to come out. Dottie said that she thought Julie appeared to be hiding something at that time. Funny really.

Speaking of the staffing... at the staffing the ONE thing I told Julie in front of everyone - if she had unsupervised visits, the ONE place she was NOT allowed to bring the kids was to her home. I cited multiple reasons for this... one being that there were still many memories which I didn't think they were ready to handle yet - the garage that was usually heavily covered in smoke from pot, the side of the house which they and their neighbors would go to sneak puffs of pot, the bedrooms in which they have vivid memories of other people having sex in their beds.... not to mention the fact that there are still many friends and neighbors whom I know were very 'bad' people and influences... but I don't know who they are nor how to keep the kids away from them. I don't trust Julie to do it on her own... so - the ONLY place I said she could not bring the kids -- her home.

Mom calls Julie yesterday... says "So, Julie, when you get your first unsupervised visit with the kids... what are you going to do?" Julie could have said anything... go to the park... to the mall... to the movies... for a walk.... just drive around... what does Julie say as the ONLY response? She's going to take the kids to her HOUSE. I was like............... WHATTTTTT???? Furthermore, Julie goes on to explain that - once the State closes the case... she can do ANYTHING she wants to do and nobody can say anything about it. I was livid.

I did talk to Julie about this last night... she said "I'm sick, I didn't know what I was saying". Yeah, right. So then she wants to talk to the kids to tell them that she was wrong. Wanting to hear what she is telling them, I listen in on the conversation. She tells them that she HAS to do whatever Auntie Tina tells them to do because "she is the boss". Justin said "I'm sure if Auntie Tina didn't want us there, she has a very good reason for it". Julie just replied with a "humph". (Who is the child and who is the adult in that conversation?? Hmmmm)

Julie then proceeds to tell the kids NOT to tell ANYONE but she's going to be getting a new roommate, Arthur. I've talked about Arthur before... he thought he was Kayla's father for a long time. He treats the kids very firmly (oddly as if they were his own kids). And when he and Julie broke up last time, he did some VERY bad things (hateful emails to everyone on Julie's computer, telling Kayla that he was glad that he wasn't her real father, etc). Now... I could care less honestly if this guy moves in with her. As her 'sister' I'm not thrilled, but it's not my life. But what I do COMPLETELY despise is Julie telling the kids to LIE to me and everyone else. To hide it. This really bothers me and I'm not sure what to do about it. This puts the kids in an awful situation that they should not be in.

I am just sick with nerves right now.
- What if they close the case with unsupervised visits? How am I supposed to trust Julie? She's already got it in her mind that she is allowed to do anything she wants with no rules.
- What if they close the case and say she has to have supervised visits? Then I'm stuck babysitting - for what? Forever?? Oh my good LORD.
- What if Julie finds out the truth that getting her kids back after the case is closed will be nearly impossible and she slips into depression?

I just finished reading the book "God's Smuggler" and the one thing I kept thinking as I was worrying about this all morning... maybe this happening was the result of God literally TAKING this out of my hands... Him telling me not to worry about it. Maybe God is saying.... I know you were worried about whether supervised or unsupervised was the right thing to do for the kids... I'll just take over and make the decision simple and take it out of your hands so you have nothing you need to worry about. Worry about what you can change - and leave the rest to Me.

On top of it, we've got lots going on at the house... Kayla's 16th Birthday is next week and she only wants to go out for all-you-can-eat crab legs (UCKKKK) and to go roller skating with a few friends. Sounds do-able, but add to that Justin wants to enroll in Baseball (Northside called last night and said they would bend the rules ever so slightly and will allow him to play there). But the cost - total - is $195. He reeeeeaallly wants to do it. I just don't know if I CAN. Tomorrow is an all-therapy day for the kids - which puts me out another $75. Then Jonathan's birthday is around the corner in February. Can't imagine why I'm worried, eh? God will make a way.... I'm sure he will. He always does.

Last night - after my afternoon-from-hell - I just wanted to go home, eat dinner, watch a little TV, sip a little wine, and go to bed early. I got home from work late (I hate leaving unless everything I have 'to-do' is done) and it was 7 pm by the time I finished explaining everything to Chris and we realized we needed to do something for dinner. We had already missed choir rehearsal. It was too late to defrost something and then start dinner... so.... we all got in the car and went to dinner! Now -- this may seem pretty normal -- but we have not been out to dinner, just the 6 of us all together, not ONCE in over a year since the kids have been with us. The kids thought it was a REAL treat. (Me too!!) We ate a very inexpensive dinner at Bob Evans, and I remember looking at the bill realizing that I could have spent the same amount of money had I gone to the grocery store to buy food just for the dinner that night.

The kids were.... excited. Loud. Excited and loud, yes, the two best words for them last night. When we got home, I told them that I had had a really bad day and I wanted them all to go to bed early so that I could have some quiet 'me-time' before 10:30 at night. They've also all been sick, so on top of them all bouncing off the walls, they are sneezing, coughing and hacking. UGG. So.... I give them all meds to help their colds.... and at 9 pm and all the kids went to their rooms. YESSSSS! Chris and I watched a little "Smallville".... had a glass of wine..... and went to bed early. Perfect!

I didn't tell you about Julie's last visit on Wednesday night. She came over, and wanted spaghetti for dinner. Chris cooked for us (yeah Chris!) and we ate rather early. Julie was not feeling very well (she's sick as well, she says she has bronchitis). But the kick is.... she brought over the movie "Jackass II, The Unrated Version". You know, the one she agreed the kids shouldn't see??? The one that had things so vulgar they couldn't put them in a movie. It irked me that we had agreed to not let the kids see it (although at the last visit she said the kids could watch it when they got home) - and she chose to bring it over anyways. But other than that, the visit was short and sweet. She went home early because she wasn't feeling well. Sigh.....

As I sit here typing my blog I realize why I do this. All morning long my heart was racing, palms sweaty, and nervous about everything going on with Julie and the kids. But I put it down here... and I reflect on what my heart is telling me. I realize that there is nothing I can do about Julie's decisions. I realize that this very well may be God's plan to take this out of my hands. I say it all the time in my blog... let God's will be done.... yet actually living it day-to-day is so very difficult. But when I put it down on paper (or the screen I guess) and I can look back, re-read, and reflect.... it becomes so very clear. Often time my own hubby will sit down and read my blog and say "wow, I didn't know you felt that way". And the fact of the matter is... often times even I don't know I'm feeling a certain way until I start to put it down. Then it all comes bubbling out and you end up with a novel of a blog. LOL

I suppose it somewhat saddens me that I need to write in order to feel the sense of calmness that I feel after blogging. Surely I should be able to see God's hand in things as they happen, not wait until reflecting later. But I suppose it's better late than never, eh?

Please pray for this situation. Pray for the kids... pray for us.... pray for Julie. God's will be done. Between now and next Tuesday it should get interesting. Expect to see more blogs from me asking for continued prayers.

The Final Staffing

Well.... I suppose the staffing couldn't have gone any better.

Nick (the Supervisor) ran the meeting and basically just talked to Julie. He admitted over and over again how much better Julie is doing, but at the same time, told her that she had a long way to go. He would mention things like how in a conversation he had with her at the courthouse she lied about something - which he found out because he pulled her medical records - and she just replied with "my bad". Over and over again in her medical records... the same words kept coming up --- "non-compliant". Even though she seems to be doing better even now, she is still non-compliant. Sad really.

Long story short.... at the staffing they sugar-coated everything for Julie. They made it appear as if: they were going to close the case, she could see her kids more often and without 'big brother' watching, and that - when she was ready and when her doctor would sign something saying she was ready, she could just simply go to court and get her kids back. End of story. But although there is nothing really 'wrong' in that, it's really not nearly that simple.

I confirmed with Nick today that - Julie would have to get a letter from her Psychiatrist stating she was now ready to raise her kids again. She would go to court and a judge would decide if they could reopen the case. He says yes, the case is reopened and DCF, Hillsborough Kids and the Guardian Ad Litem get involved in everything just as they are now. They evaluate the situation, monitor everything, and will slowly incorporate the kids back into Julie's life. However, in Julie's mind... she thinks in 9 months or so she's going to go to court in the morning and come to my house in the afternoon and pick up the kids.

I understand why they sugar-coated it. None of us want to see Julie kill herself - of course.

Then I get calls today from Nick, Dr. Vergeese and Dottie.

Dottie (the Guardian Ad Litem) wants to make sure I clearly understand what is going to happen. She explains that I will be totally on my own after they cut the ties in court. That as much as I hate being the one person who has to watch her 'for' DCF, it's now going to be more important than ever that I do that on my own. Log everything just in case she goes to court and I don't think Julie really is ready. That - Julie will be having unsupervised visits which means I won't be there to be able to see for myself if she is behaving or not. I may find out when it's too late next time and then I'd have a crisis to manage on my own. It's a lot to digest... and I understand what she is saying. But - according to Nick - this is our only choice right now.

Nick called returning my call to find out for sure what would happen when Julie goes to try to get her kids back. He confirmed everything I said above, and said that he felt it would be nearly impossible for Julie to get the kids back. Not totally impossible, but very much not likely.

Then Dr. Vergeese called. Julie showed up for her appointment today over an hour late and he didn't want to see her. He was frustrated. I told him how the meeting went, and told him that Julie had agreed to Permanent Custody. Then I explained how Julie was given 'fluff-talk' to make it sound as if everything was going to be simple this way. He just told me, "Tina, it doesn't really matter, Julie is not ready to get her kids back right now. Nowhere near ready." He then expressed concern with unsupervised visits... asking me what would happen if Julie brought the kids to her home against my wishes (and apparently he doesn't want her to do that either for some reason). He kept telling me that the State needed to give Julie VERY specific guidelines on what she can and can not do with her kids. I told him that they told me that I would responsible for setting guidelines and enforcing them. He said "enforcing how?". Good question. I don't know. He is VERY concerned about Julie having no guidelines... No.... very concerned is an understatement of his behavior.

I told him that I understood why he was concerned. I know that HE wants the state to give Julie complete detailed instructions of what to do and how to do it... that I understood that Julie worked best like that. (Things she can accomplish like a checklist). But - I told him - once the State closes the case, they could honestly care less at how Julie does. That the State just wanted to make sure the kids were safe. If Julie is never well enough to get them back... they really don't care. It sounds cold - but it's the way they look at it.

The kids took the news remarkably well. Sure, they want to live with their mom - but they are happy with us as well. They are THRILLED that they will be able to spend the night with friends now. (If approved by us obviously) Kayte and Kayla go to see their therapist on Saturday and I'm curious to see if they are really doing well with this deep down, or if they are holding anything in.

Speaking of seeing the therapist and Kayla.... I was.......... thinking about asking her therapist if it was 'time' to allow Kayla internet access again. I know, I know, I said that I would never ever let her on the internet again. But she is doing so well.... she calls to check in with us, she does what she is told. She thinks ahead of time as to if she's doing something she might get in trouble for and asks about it. I would assume it's her Prozac working... so maybe it's time to give her a little freedom on the internet - albeit monitored freedom.

The funny thing is that - of the two girls - I'm more concerned with Kayte right now. Although she isn't directly 'involved' with anyone that is getting into trouble - she knows a LOT of people who are. She can easily name more than 10 people that she knows that have been arrested or put in Juvie. She knows even more than that who have been kicked out of school. She knows people who are in gangs here in Carrollwood.

Just the other day she went to the mall with a friend of hers. Her friend had a guy come up to her and wanted them to 'hang out with' him. This guy was scared... said that some gang (the Bloods or something like that) were going to beat him up. The girls decided not to hang out with him. Later that night, the boy had sure enough been jumped by these guys and it resulted in a stabbing and he got slashed in the face. Police and ambulance were there... it was bad.

Granted, Kayte and her friend were not directly involved. As she was telling me the story, I was not surprised. I caught myself wondering WHY wasn't I surprised by what I was hearing. Surely if Amanda or Jonathan had told me this same story I would have been FREAKING out!! Yet, with Kayte, I was not surprised. I realized that it was because, although she was not directly involved with these people, she knew of them. Friends of friends. And.... that is too close to being involved for me. I told Kayte that I was very unhappy with her choice of 'friends' and who she knows that have been in trouble. I told her no good could come of it and that if she wanted to make something of herself in life... she HAD to push away from that NOW.

This story came to us before we found out for sure we would get permanent custody. Last night when talking to the kids about what was going to happen with permanent custody... I told her that - in the past I had been lenient about this (and other things) as I understood it was a lifestyle they were somewhat accustomed to before living with me. But now that they were going to be 'legally mine' all that shit was going to stop immediately. When I tell her not to hang out with someone, it's going to be just because I said so... no discussion. If I say I don't want them to listen to booty music with vulgar lyrics at all, they are not going to listen to it - end of story.

And - I want to be clear here too.... I check on Kayte a LOT right now because of her knowing these people. I read her myspace all the time. Her friends list has lots of girls, and most of the guys look like they should be on "America's Most Wanted, Teen Edition". But she talks about them liking friends of hers... or her favorite lip gloss... or she's just bored... or what she had for dinner.... nothing earth-shattering by any means. Very childish, but expected as, after all, she is only 13. But I don't want anyone to get the impression she's becoming a wild child. I just think that through myspace and through friends of friends she 'knows' about these people. And I'm not liking it one bit. I will find a way to get her back on track though. :o)

Totally off subject, we've got to plan a vacation for the 6 of us. We should be going to the beach with Chris's step-sister Jennifer, her husband (and two new babies!), and their whole family/friends. But -- I dunno. It's all shared... like it's one big family although 6 or 7 different families, all come together to cook meals and hang out. I don't know about all 6 of us going. It would be FUN. But that's a lot of us... ya know? I dunno.... if we get our refund check quickly, I might just call and see what it would be to rent the condo for the week of the Fourth of July... if they have any condo's left. The kids all love the beach so much. And getting a condo is always great because you cook there. Love saving money! :o)

Report cards come home on Friday! I can't wait to tell you how everyone did. Kayte thinks she MIGHT have gotten honor roll. Jonathan... well.... I don't know what to guess about Jonathan. I hope and pray he did well. The high schoolers I know did well... all As, Bs and Cs. Although they know that now we expect only As and Bs from them. :o) It'll be really fun with them all in the same school next year. I know Jonathan is looking forward to having Chorus again. This year is his first year of having no chorus at all since...... well.... I don't know how long. Ben Hill just doesn't have any kind of music program. Sad huh?

I better run. Julie has a visit tonight and I've got to prepare myself for it. (Breathe in... breathe out.... ) On top of that the lady from the Children's Home will be at my house at 5 for a meeting as well. We've done nothing with them at all... it's been a complete waste of time thus far. I hope to get that appointment over with quickly.

I thank you all for your continued thoughts and prayers every day. I can't tell you how much it means to know that people pray for us often.

God's Will Be Done

I have soooo much to catch up on, I'm afraid if I put it all into a long blog it'll be....... long. But here goes anyways and we'll see how far I get. Dottie (the Guardian Ad Litem) is due over any minute.... so if this blog comes through as scattered thoughts - that's why.

I quit the Toast of Tampa chorus. That was a big huge thing for me. Why did I leave??? Well, I knew there was no way possible I was going to go with them to Calgary (International Competition) later this year. But I still wanted to go and just SING on Tuesday nights. I don't know how to describe this type of singing... it's barbershop and very competitive. I sing... okay... at Church... but I'm VERY good at Barbershop singing. It's just a different style - more ring, ping, vowel matching, etc. Not soloist singing by any means. The problem with going on Tuesday nights and not competing with them is that.... well.... they don't want it! They want everyone who is with them at rehearsal going to compete with them... all riding the same journey. And - I get that. As their former President and section leader - I totally get it. But I was planning on just going to sing on Tuesday nights until something came up that made me have to stop.

Then they had some changes in the chorus. The director was moving and I had to hear about it online and from someone outside of the chorus a good month before the chorus had news of it. I felt he should have told us - his chorus family - first. Then they announced that Debbie was going to direct, but I read on the internet (again) that she was NOT wanting to direct. More weeks go by and the chorus doesn't know what's going on. Management does, but they do not tell the regular members. Then they got the MOST awesome Tony DeRosa to direct, which I heard about from people outside of the chorus. But again, the chorus didn't know about it until just this past week.

You should also understand that we're not talking about someone volunteering their time to come and direct a chorus - the chorus pays VERY well... in excess of $40 k a year. For a part-time gig on Tuesday nights, that ain't bad at all! I was hurt to hear this from outside of the chorus, hurt that our leaders in the chorus withheld the information from it's members. Even though they didn't have a 'firm' director... the chorus should have known something was going on - in my humble opinion. And I can't stress that enough - my OPINION.

Anyways, you add the director change to my knowledge of not going to international with the chorus - and it seemed like the right time to bow out.

Besides... with singing at church in the choir and on the praise team, I'm musically fulfilled anyways. Granted it's not the same, but in some ways it's better. Standing on the stage and trying NOT to perform, trying to let the Holy Spirit fill me in such a way that it will move at least one person at Church. It's just a totally different experience, and I'm LOVING it.

I was talking to Chris about this whole thing the other day. When I left the chorus 2 years ago, I had to leave. I was broke - Chris had just lost his job, I was just starting a new job, Doug was living with us and his savings was just about tapped out, and can't forget that Amanda was with us as well. Then the three kids moved in and I really had no money! It felt like I left the chorus before my time was up... I left because I had to because of my circumstances. This time... I left because I felt like it was truly the right thing for me to do at this point in my life. I have not one single regret.

I am reading the most wonderful book - "God's Smuggler", given to me by Smitty - who's blog is noted to the right under my favorite people. It took me a while to get the time to read... then when I did start it was difficult for me to get into it. The book begins before the Cold War - and he talks about his wooden shoes in the first chapter. It was just difficult for me to get into it at first. But then.... it was just amazing and continues to amaze me. I'm sitting here right now wishing I were reading it instead of blogging. But dinner is in the oven (Dottie has already come and gone) and will be ready in the next few minutes. When I get done with the book I'll share more about it, but not to the point of ruining it. It's just a GREAT book.

Smitty asked that I pass the book onto someone else when I'm done with it. If you are interested in reading this book and would like to be the one after me to read it, please reply to me and I will be happy to send it on to you. Provided that you promise to send it to someone else when you are done. As Smitty said in his blog, this is not a book that needs to sit on a shelf collecting dust. It needs to be read and shared. No doubt about it.

Okay... dinner is done. :o)

I'm sick with worry over tomorrow's visit for the Staffing. But the weird thing is that I don't know WHY I'm so worried. I know it's in God's hands. It always has been. I wrote to Pastor Matthew and Jason today and asked for prayers though. You see... I usually go to these things with very well thought-out and well-written letters expressing my opinions, concerns and thoughts. Armed with my letter, and with strong prayers said before I go into the meetings, things have gone okay. But tomorrow............ tomorrow I'll be armed with only prayer. I know that Julie has told others that she thinks I'm trying to 'steal' her kids. And I don't want anything to do with this decision, should they decide on permanent guardianship. But saying that and re-reading what I just wrote makes it sound like fear - and that's not it either. I just know - without a doubt - that God has a plan. I trust His plan. And yet I'm sick with worry. Worried that Julie will not take this news well. Worried that she may try to kill herself over it. But knowing that I can't do anything about that, I pray and ask my friends to do the same. My prayers that I ask for is that God's will be done. That simple a prayer.

My daughter is having a pretty exciting week. She's been out of our house, but living with another couple since she left our house. Sigh.... there's so much I really shouldn't post here about how I feel about everything going on with Amanda. She's been busy - been dating her 40-year old boyfriend for 4 or 5 months now (met him in August) - they've already opened a joint checking account, are moving in together, and are talking marriage. Again - huge SIGH that I'm not going to say how I feel about it all here. "God's will be done, Tina". Sigh.... if only she knew God. But she has been talking lately about going to Church in Orlando - which is a HUUUUUGE step for her. I try to guide her without pressuring her, express my feelings without chastizing, and I pray for her often. Anyways, she was supposed to move into her apartment this last weekend, but she now is planning on next weekend. I want her to be safe and happy.

Speaking of safe and happy... Julie sent a picture of herself with Ron and the kids years ago. Julie looked so good... and they all looked so happy. Immediately I felt saddened - wishing that Julie were doing as well now as she was back then. But then I began to really think about that.... and I realized that Julie may have 'looked' better on the outside then - but inside she was still terribly messed up. Still taking her meds how she wanted. Still going to the hospital (psyc ward) every few months. Still cutting herself all the time (although hiding it then). Depressed often, Manic other times. Ron was the glue that held them all together. And I looked back at the picture again, and had to re-think that all over again because again it looked as if she was doing so well. It's so easy to judge a book by it's cover... or by the first 'few pages'.

Which makes me think about my book again! I think it's time to go read some more.

Appointment

Well helloooooo out there. Sorry I haven't been blogging as much. My time to do so at worked has been... nixed... so I find myself having to do it at home - which is always so chaotic it's just difficult to do here. But I try to find the time as it does help so much. I've been sick a little lately and boss sent me home to rest for a couple hours this morning. Thought I'd take a second to post.

I had a meeting last night with Dr. Vergeese and Nick, the DCF supervisor. Nothing 'new' happened -- Nick talked to the Doctor about his recommendation for Permanent Guardianship.

We were also explained more about what 'permanent guardianship' would mean. It would mean that the State is not involved while Julie works on getting herself better. Right now, the State is there for every right or wrong move Julie makes. Once permanent guardianship happens, Chris and I become the permanent guardians of the kids. Julie would be able to take the kids out on a Saturday, have fun with them, then bring them home to us at night. The kids would be allowed to spend the night over friends houses as we see fit - again because the State is no longer involved. There would, however, be rules set in place before it happens. Julie wouldn't be allowed to take them over night. And Julie would be given clear-cut rules of what she should and should not do - and if she breaks the rules she could potentially lose the kids permanently. What I mean by this is that under permanent guardianship, Julie will not lose her parental rights; She just won't have custody of them. They would tell her that she can petition the court (at her own time, when she and her therapist and psychiatrist feel it's the right 'time') to reopen the case. So.... the thought is that they would release State custody over the situation. When Julie is better she can go to court and the court may agree to reopen the case. When that happens we will all be exactly where we are now. The threat will always be there that they could terminate parental rights should she digress into a worse state (which I do not think will happen).

Course, keep in mind, all of this is 'recommendation' only. The 'fireworks meeting' is next Tuesday - then the Tuesday after that is the court date in which everything is decided. Keep us in your thoughts and prayers, okay?

So... those of you who read my blog comment saw the reference to the Applebees story. Guess I'll share that one with ya as well, while I'm in the story-telling month.

Chris and I went on a 'date' the end of December. I know, those of you thinking, "Tina, you and Chris splurged on yourself???" Well, I belong to a 'secret shopper' type program where you go an evaluate places and get reimbursed and paid for your time. This was a 'bar visit' we were supposed to do. As such we are supposed to pay close attention to every little detail of what happens at the bar and the interaction of guests and bartenders.

We get there and sit at the bar. There is a group of people to my right, around the other corner of the bar. To my left there is one empty chair and an older man sitting at the next chair. The group to my left are WASTED drunk. Doing many many many shots. Oh, and mom - before you ask - we are required to get two drinks each, no more - no less. Ha ha ha ha.

So.... a little bit into our visit an attractive black woman comes into the bar. Dressed okay - nice bar casual I guess. She sits down, OMG, she is WITH the old man! Okay, I figure, old man = good money. She sits down next to me and begins to talk to me. She was EXTREMELY outgoing.

Well... you wouldn't BELIEVE all the stuff we had in common. She had teenagers, I have teenagers. She likes going to nice condos on the beach, I do as well! She even likes camping if it's not in a tent - and so do I! It's incredible how much stuff we found to talk about!! Ooooo... like I told her about Crystal Springs for camping and she told me about Blue Springs and we mentioned it would be fun to go together sometime. Like a double family camping adventure! Fun fun!!

New Years eve is approaching in the next few days and she tells me that she's rather new to the area (moved here from Sarasota) and she doesn't really have any 'friends'. I immediately know that we could hang out together and be GREAT friends!

At some point, after she and I we very comfortable talking, she turned her attention to the other end of the table, the group of guys who were VERY drunk. She mentions that they have not yet bought HER (and me) a free round of drinks! The guys (being asked this by a very attractive woman) naturally oblige. (Although I turned down my free drink.. I knew better than that!)

Then the woman begins to tell everyone about her 'job'. Apparently she's a paralegal who can do just about everything an attorney can do, as well as taxes. (So she says) She's just started out her own business and she doesn't yet have cards, so she writes her name and number down on napkins and hands them out to me and to the guys at the other side of the table.

I should mention here that throughout the evening, Chris is chuckling throughout much of the conversations and such. Her boyfriend (the old man) seemed.... disengaged I guess is the right word for it. Almost as if he was just happy to have her in the chair next to him. He didn't seem to mind her talking to me and the others at the table all night, nor her handing out her phone number. I assumed this was because he was and old white man who was totally not in her league and he knew it.

Before we leave she gives me a hug and reminds me to call her about New Years. Ah yes, I could SO see us hanging out together.

We get to the car and Chris tells me "You DO realize who she was, right?" I'm like... "Yeah of course, a paralegal." He says "Noooo, what was she doing here tonight?" I mention that she met her boyfriend for drinks. He gives me a look like "You can't POSSIBLY be that naive!" He tells me... she was a working woman.... a lady of the night.... probably some kind of escort service. UH.... WOW. Here I thought we were going to go camping together, or maybe hang out on New Years Eve. I was SO ready to ring in the new year with her! But............ she was WORKING me?? Are you serious?? And thinking about it........ yeah.... it all fits. Totally fits.

So.... our first date in God only knows how long, and I - of all people - got hit on by a hooker. Jeez Louise!!!!!!!!!!!

Soulmates

It's Saturday! Yeah.... a day to sleep in.... a day of rest......... NOT! LOL

I woke up at 8:30 this morning, Chris has gone to work and he took Jonathan with him to help out. Justin is still sleeping as is his friend who slept over last night. Kayte has been up for a while now and has checked her myspace probably 20 times already. Kayla is trying to figure out what to have for breakfast: cereal, waffles, or sausage biscuits. I thought it would be a good time to blog!

Julie came over for a visit last night and it was probably our best visit ever. She did very well, and asked multiple times if what she was doing was okay. She was extremely guarded, but it worked I guess because she did very well. She was going to bring over the movie "Jackass 2" but after watching half of it at home, she decided that she didn't want to bring it to my house. She described several of the scenes, and I'm VERY glad she didn't bring it. But... she did say that the kids could watch the movie at her house once they got home.

The only kind of weird conversation we had was about Kayla taking prescription medication for whatever is wrong with her. Julie doesn't want her on it. She says that it may start with Prozac, but that before long she'll be on all kinds of medication and Julie doesn't want her on the same road that she is traveling. Julie said that Kayla is diagnosed bi-polar, which is not true... they don't know for sure what she has. Julie kept saying she couldn't be bi-polar because she's never tried to kill herself. Again, not true for all bi-polar people, but you can't convince Julie of that. Julie believes that Kayla may end up exactly like her one day... and I think it scares the hell out of her. We tried to get Julie to see that Kayla is NOT exactly like her... but she wouldn't see it. It's sad really. What was odd was that she was contradicting herself... saying in one breath that she (Julie) wished that SHE had been diagnosed as a teenager because it might have made all the difference in the world.... she might be more normal now. But then when her daughter is diagnosed with something - Julie doesn't want her taking the medications. What is the benefit of knowing the diagnosis if you refuse to take the treatment for it? Does Julie think "just knowing" would have been what made the difference? I don't know... I can't fathom how Julie thinks... it makes my brain hurt to try.

I'm not sure what to do with Justin and baseball. He wants to try spring league baseball. There are a couple of problems with this - the first being that he can't play where he did for fall ball... we technically don't live in their district - we are supposed to go to Citrus Park. When I registered him for fall at Northside, they told me then that he shouldn't be playing there but they let him in the fall because it's more of a learning experience than being competitive, but explained very well that in the Spring he would HAVE to go to Citrus Park to play. All his friends from school go to Northside... he really wants to play there. But the rules state that he must go to Citrus Park. So, now he wants me to register him at Citrus. The problems are: he's not very good right now in baseball. (Remember his first hit of the fall season was the very last game) None of his friends go to Citrus Park. And it costs $120 just to sign him up. What if he gets there and realizes he hates it? What if we can't bring him to all the practices and games? I know that people with regular kids have a busy schedule when their kids play baseball... but take whatever normalcy there is in raising FOUR teens, and add to it Court dates, DCF visits, Guardian ad litem visits, Psychiatric appointments and therapist appointments -- it's gonna be CRAZY. And... do I really WANT to put myself and the family into this situation?? But then again... what if we do, and Justin goes, and he loves it and begins to do well in it? Sigh............... I really don't know what to do here. Anyone have advice????

So many times I feel so bad for all these kids. They are so terribly unsure of their future and where they are going to be. Sometimes I'll hear them talking about 'when they go home' they are going to do this or do that. Then other times I hear them making plans for a year from now when they are still here. It has to be hard on them mentally. I only hope that they know that wherever they are going to be... they are going to be loved and safe. These should be the two most important words for them... loved and safe.

AARRGGHHHH... the scale! I've been trying to lose one more pound for a BIG goal of mine... but can I do it??? Nooooooo of course not! One stinkin pound. Maybe I should get out and walk today.... or jump on the trampoline with the kids... geez I'm tired of waiting for this big pound to come off! Ha ha... maybe that's just it; 'waiting' for the pound to come off. The first 45 did indeed just fall off, maybe now I need to work a little. Sheesh!

I can't think of much else to blog about... so I'm going to share another funny story. My apologies to James who's already heard the story recently. :o) This is the story of something that happened to me when I was younger. Young. Naive. That was me.

Chris and I had been married - I guess about 10 years at this point in time. I had been trying to lose weight and I finally did it thanks to TOPS (Taking Off Pounds Sensibly)! Down to my goal weight and looking good back then I might add. I had a friend who was.... manly looking I guess is a good word for it... but we were friends since birth! We decided, with my husband's blessing, to go out to a bar. This would be my first bar experience and I was quite excited about it. Bringing along my friend that I'd known all my life was perfect.

I dressed rather cool, hip, and dare I even say sexy. (Half of the top was see-through) We went to a local sports bar... it was close and not 'club-like' so we thought it would be perfect. We sit down at the bar and nobody even knows I'm there. My friend, on the other hand, has guys talking to her and buying drinks left and right. I'm like... "WHAT is up with this??" And please understand.... I didn't want to get 'picked up', as I was perfectly happily married... but I'd been married to the man I met when I was 16 years old. I just wanted to see what it FELT like... He'd offer to buy me a drink or just sit and try to talk to me and then I'd turn him away, telling him I was happily married.

There I sit.... dejected.... alone... while all the guys are swarming my friend who doesn't look nearly as good as I did at the time! What the??....... then I realized...... my RING! Surely it had to be the ring!

So.... I took a deep breath, thought of my hubby whom I loved very much, and slipped the ring into my pocket.

Sure enough.... a man approaches. OH MY GOSH.... my heart is racing.... I think.... what am I going to say??? I've got to make sure I make it clear I'm married.... but he's ACTUALLY going to TALK to me!! (as my heart races)

He sits down next to me and tells me something cliche like "what's a woman like you doing in a place like this?" He thought two women looked a bit out of place in a sports bar. I said that I came here with my friend. He continues talking small talk and I'm trying to find the right time to break the news to him. He reaches over to whatever he had been holding in his left hand and puts it up onto the bar. Oh my GOSH... it's a bible! He then says "Let me tell you about Jesus."

No need to tell him I was married... this man PREACHED to me ALL night long. (Which was NOT long as I wanted nothing more than to get out of there.) In my heart of hearts I thought Chris had surely sent this man to me; My punishment for even thinking about taking off my ring.

Course, more than 10 years after this... I look back and totally laugh. I know I wasn't bad and I know that I didn't need to be punished. Innocent naive curiosity is all it was. And funny. Oh my goodness, if you could have seen my face when he whipped out that bible and began to preach to me. Not in a good Pastor Matthew kind of way... but in a Evangelistic speaking tongues kind of way. If anything, I now don't believe Chris sent that man to me... I believe God did. Because my God has a WONDERFUL sense of humor. :o)

Course it's ironic now that Chris and I don't wear our wedding bands. It's what happens when you pick out your wedding bands when you are 17 years old - things change - as do finger sizes!

And so I leave you with this quote I just found. It epitomizes how I feel about marriage. Chris and I didn't think we were soulmates when we met in High School. I thought he was cute. He thought... well... that's another story! Amanda happened... we married... and how is it possible that we are still in love and together after over 20 years???

People think they have to find their soulmate to have a good marriage. You're not going to "find" your soulmate. Anyone you meet already has soulmates. Their mother. Their father. Their lifelong friends. You get married, and after 20 years of loving, bearing and raising children, meeting challenges - then you'll have "created" your soulmate. Diane Sollee

Looking for Potential

Whewwwwwwwww.... so much for having MORE time to post while the kids were home, eh? Yeah, that didn't work out so well.

It's been quiet, kid crazy, but still quiet none-the-less as far as 'drama' goes. For New Years we went to my sister Katie's house for maybe an hour, then came back home to have a teen party at the house for the kids and any of their friends they wanted to invite over. It was loud in a crazy teenager noise kinda way, but I was happy to be home and not out on the roads. I know, I know... I'm getting old.

More stuff around the house is breaking... and it just AMAZES me how much wear and tear my poor house has experienced since the kids moved in. A small entertainment center upstairs Doug had at his house for years.... broken door in a matter of weeks. The entertainment center that is in the game room now, we've had for maybe as much as 10 years now... broken door. Walls get dirty, glasses and dishes break so much we've just resolved to buy cheap packs and realize we've gotten our money out of them before they are all gone. (Before you ask... we've tried plastic, but they use and wash so much they don't hold up well in the dishwasher)

The GREAT news... the kids are getting a 'raise' in their Social Security checks beginning next month. I believe that this increase is because they are no longer paying Julie. Remember that conversation? Julie collected SS checks for many months after the kids moved in with me, but she wasn't 'allowed' to because they were her benefits for taking care of the kids. She had to pay all the money back. When I heard this, you best believe my first call was to the SS office to find out if I were eligible for the funds, but I'm not because I'm not mom. But they did say that the pool of money should be split 3 ways instead of 4 and if I were just patient enough, the government would realize the mistake and would correct it. Sure enough.... they did. In a government 1-year-later kind of way... which of course I now come to expect. Now... if I can get them to go back the past year that they DIDN'T pay me.... my gosh... we could go on a mini-vacation! **heart races with excitement** Oh wait... maybe we should fix the Durango's transmission. Sensible Tina, must be sensible!

The kids go back to school tomorrow! **cheers** OH MY GOSH I can't wait! Hee hee. We have a new rule now.... D's and F's are still unacceptable, C's which for the past year have been okay are now HIGHLY frowned upon and B's and A's are expected. The "Wow Wall" will now contain only A's. We've been talking to them about college and how you need A's and B's to get accepted. Oooooooo.... FUNNY story there. Indulge my ADD for a moment and let me tell you this story....

Julie and my daughter Amanda are talking just before Christmas. They started talking about Ron, then college, and then the kids going to college. Amanda, having just experienced college, begins to share her experience with Julie. Julie doesn't realize that just because you have money for college doesn't mean you're accepted... you still have to work hard and get good grades because some college has to decide to accept them. They are in the middle of this conversation that Julie wants NO part of and so Julie breaks out with the following: "You know if it doesn't work out with my boyfriend I'm just going to become a lesbian." Uh.... where did THAT come from????? Amanda was FURIOUS that Julie didn't want to talk about her own kids education. That she didn't care. And that she could just JERK the conversation into what Julie wanted to talk about. Funny... Amanda describes it as if they 'fought' but Julie thought they had a great conversation and that Amanda really 'helped her out' when she was feeling down.

So... I got a call today from Nick, the supervisor from Hillsborough Kids. First thing he tells me is that Julie's therapist, Vergeese, wants to see he and I together next week. We set up an appointment for the 9th. He says that he talked to Vergeese and pretty much understands where he is in his opinion, but he still wants to meet with us. Last time I did this, Vergeese said lots of things, but didn't back it up with any actions (such as letters to the court or for her case file or anything else like that.) Then he tells me that they have set up the staffing for Jan. 16th. He calls this the "fireworks meeting". Nick told me that in his professional opinion, there is too much 'drama' in Julie's life and 'no stable environment' for the kids to go home to at this time. He said that even with her not smoking pot or abusing prescriptions, she's not been able to keep herself away from Doctors for any length of time. That he would be concerned with the kids being there and Julie having to go to the doctors, clinic, emergency room or whatever as often as she usually goes. He told me that he's basing this not out of anything I said nor anything that was written, but rather, from that long conversation he had with with Julie before the last court hearing (the one where she lied so much I was vomiting because my nerves were so shot). In his words "from what she told me herself" He said that he was amazed that she had absolutely NO understanding what-so-ever on how she needed to take care of herself. She told him (when I wasn't there apparently) that she had just eaten fudge and McDonald's - and that she should be allowed to eat it "just like anyone else". He said that he could not get her to comprehend that she was a diabetic and as such, she shouldn't be eating those kids of foods. But Julie insists and tells him: if other people can do it, she should be allowed to as well. Sound familiar? Yeah... this is what I've been telling them for the past year.

He has decided that at the staffing meeting on the 16th he is going to make a recommendation for "Permanent Guardianship", but allow Julie to have daytime unsupervised visits. What does this mean? Well, as I've probably said before, it would mean that I have full custody of the kids until they are grown. Julie will be allowed to come and pick them up and spend time with them during the day, but they are not allowed to sleep over her house. He said that it would just be a recommendation and that the judge may not allow it, but he hopes the judge will and they can get the case out of the courts.

I'm so torn about how to feel about this. I know that Julie needs to get better... long term better, not just better for a few months or even a year. My gosh, if Julie could turn her life completely around it would be nothing short of a miracle. So.... I'm resolved to pray pray PRAY.... just speak my mind, but from my heart... learn to live with whatever the outcome is... and do my best to be there for my sister. I know that them making this recommendation when Julie has come so far is going to be VERY hard for her. But... that is out of my hands and I know it is. I kind of chuckle at that because I know that ALL of this has been out of my hands. It's been in the Father's hands since the beginning... I know that.

So.... I want to tell you the oddest yet thoughtful give we got in the Rhocchini house for Christmas. It was a gift from Julie and it was to Jonathan. Jonathan is famous for Ice Cream Man runs. He hears the music and is out the door faster than you can say "sundae". He never comes back with just something for him, always with enough for everyone. This can eat up our change money rather quickly, but I think it's sweet that he always buys for all the kids. So... Julie gets him a cow bank. But she adds to that her change purse from home with over $50 in quarters, dimes and nickels. Very sweet gift. What was odd about it?? The cow is standing on her head legs spread out and you put the coins in her.... well.... between the cows legs. As I said, thoughtful and yet.... odd.

I hate to leave you with that image... but I must go to bed. I leave you with this in hopes you'll have something other than the cow to think about:

We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives... not looking for flaws, but for potential.
Ellen Goodman