God's Will Be Done

I have soooo much to catch up on, I'm afraid if I put it all into a long blog it'll be....... long. But here goes anyways and we'll see how far I get. Dottie (the Guardian Ad Litem) is due over any minute.... so if this blog comes through as scattered thoughts - that's why.

I quit the Toast of Tampa chorus. That was a big huge thing for me. Why did I leave??? Well, I knew there was no way possible I was going to go with them to Calgary (International Competition) later this year. But I still wanted to go and just SING on Tuesday nights. I don't know how to describe this type of singing... it's barbershop and very competitive. I sing... okay... at Church... but I'm VERY good at Barbershop singing. It's just a different style - more ring, ping, vowel matching, etc. Not soloist singing by any means. The problem with going on Tuesday nights and not competing with them is that.... well.... they don't want it! They want everyone who is with them at rehearsal going to compete with them... all riding the same journey. And - I get that. As their former President and section leader - I totally get it. But I was planning on just going to sing on Tuesday nights until something came up that made me have to stop.

Then they had some changes in the chorus. The director was moving and I had to hear about it online and from someone outside of the chorus a good month before the chorus had news of it. I felt he should have told us - his chorus family - first. Then they announced that Debbie was going to direct, but I read on the internet (again) that she was NOT wanting to direct. More weeks go by and the chorus doesn't know what's going on. Management does, but they do not tell the regular members. Then they got the MOST awesome Tony DeRosa to direct, which I heard about from people outside of the chorus. But again, the chorus didn't know about it until just this past week.

You should also understand that we're not talking about someone volunteering their time to come and direct a chorus - the chorus pays VERY well... in excess of $40 k a year. For a part-time gig on Tuesday nights, that ain't bad at all! I was hurt to hear this from outside of the chorus, hurt that our leaders in the chorus withheld the information from it's members. Even though they didn't have a 'firm' director... the chorus should have known something was going on - in my humble opinion. And I can't stress that enough - my OPINION.

Anyways, you add the director change to my knowledge of not going to international with the chorus - and it seemed like the right time to bow out.

Besides... with singing at church in the choir and on the praise team, I'm musically fulfilled anyways. Granted it's not the same, but in some ways it's better. Standing on the stage and trying NOT to perform, trying to let the Holy Spirit fill me in such a way that it will move at least one person at Church. It's just a totally different experience, and I'm LOVING it.

I was talking to Chris about this whole thing the other day. When I left the chorus 2 years ago, I had to leave. I was broke - Chris had just lost his job, I was just starting a new job, Doug was living with us and his savings was just about tapped out, and can't forget that Amanda was with us as well. Then the three kids moved in and I really had no money! It felt like I left the chorus before my time was up... I left because I had to because of my circumstances. This time... I left because I felt like it was truly the right thing for me to do at this point in my life. I have not one single regret.

I am reading the most wonderful book - "God's Smuggler", given to me by Smitty - who's blog is noted to the right under my favorite people. It took me a while to get the time to read... then when I did start it was difficult for me to get into it. The book begins before the Cold War - and he talks about his wooden shoes in the first chapter. It was just difficult for me to get into it at first. But then.... it was just amazing and continues to amaze me. I'm sitting here right now wishing I were reading it instead of blogging. But dinner is in the oven (Dottie has already come and gone) and will be ready in the next few minutes. When I get done with the book I'll share more about it, but not to the point of ruining it. It's just a GREAT book.

Smitty asked that I pass the book onto someone else when I'm done with it. If you are interested in reading this book and would like to be the one after me to read it, please reply to me and I will be happy to send it on to you. Provided that you promise to send it to someone else when you are done. As Smitty said in his blog, this is not a book that needs to sit on a shelf collecting dust. It needs to be read and shared. No doubt about it.

Okay... dinner is done. :o)

I'm sick with worry over tomorrow's visit for the Staffing. But the weird thing is that I don't know WHY I'm so worried. I know it's in God's hands. It always has been. I wrote to Pastor Matthew and Jason today and asked for prayers though. You see... I usually go to these things with very well thought-out and well-written letters expressing my opinions, concerns and thoughts. Armed with my letter, and with strong prayers said before I go into the meetings, things have gone okay. But tomorrow............ tomorrow I'll be armed with only prayer. I know that Julie has told others that she thinks I'm trying to 'steal' her kids. And I don't want anything to do with this decision, should they decide on permanent guardianship. But saying that and re-reading what I just wrote makes it sound like fear - and that's not it either. I just know - without a doubt - that God has a plan. I trust His plan. And yet I'm sick with worry. Worried that Julie will not take this news well. Worried that she may try to kill herself over it. But knowing that I can't do anything about that, I pray and ask my friends to do the same. My prayers that I ask for is that God's will be done. That simple a prayer.

My daughter is having a pretty exciting week. She's been out of our house, but living with another couple since she left our house. Sigh.... there's so much I really shouldn't post here about how I feel about everything going on with Amanda. She's been busy - been dating her 40-year old boyfriend for 4 or 5 months now (met him in August) - they've already opened a joint checking account, are moving in together, and are talking marriage. Again - huge SIGH that I'm not going to say how I feel about it all here. "God's will be done, Tina". Sigh.... if only she knew God. But she has been talking lately about going to Church in Orlando - which is a HUUUUUGE step for her. I try to guide her without pressuring her, express my feelings without chastizing, and I pray for her often. Anyways, she was supposed to move into her apartment this last weekend, but she now is planning on next weekend. I want her to be safe and happy.

Speaking of safe and happy... Julie sent a picture of herself with Ron and the kids years ago. Julie looked so good... and they all looked so happy. Immediately I felt saddened - wishing that Julie were doing as well now as she was back then. But then I began to really think about that.... and I realized that Julie may have 'looked' better on the outside then - but inside she was still terribly messed up. Still taking her meds how she wanted. Still going to the hospital (psyc ward) every few months. Still cutting herself all the time (although hiding it then). Depressed often, Manic other times. Ron was the glue that held them all together. And I looked back at the picture again, and had to re-think that all over again because again it looked as if she was doing so well. It's so easy to judge a book by it's cover... or by the first 'few pages'.

Which makes me think about my book again! I think it's time to go read some more.