Tina's Daily Blog: Baker's Act and Report Cards

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Baker's Act and Report Cards

Something is going on with Julie - yet again. Sigh........

I called her at 2 pm this afternoon to talk to her about Kayla's birthday on Tuesday. On the other end of the phone was this person's voice whom I have not heard in quite some time. Every time she talked, you could only hear slurred speech and confusion - I was actually laughing at one point because I had to ask her to repeat herself four times. I put her on speaker phone so that Chris could hear her as well. It was awful. She had not yet even gotten out of bed.

There are a couple of reasons she could be like this. One is that she is on a cough medicine with Codiene in it. Julie doesn't take anything as directed or in moderation, so she very well may have taken too much. Or.... combined with the fist full of pills she takes every day, maybe there was some kind of reaction. The other reason could be her insulin.

She is supposed to take from 6 - 12 units a day. Julie REMEMBERS taking no less than 210 units today. Two hundred and ten. She just called me and told me that her doctor recommended that her doctor thinks she should go to the Emergency Room. (Gee... ya THINK????) It never occured to Julie that taking thirty-five times the regular dose of insulin might actually HURT her.

Julie said that she didn't want to go to the ER because 'it would be held against her in court'. I told her that it would be held against her if she was nearly dying and did nothing about it! I tried to explain to her that she needed to take CARE of herself. That... months from now... or years from now... if she was taking good care of herself; eating right, exercising, mentally strong and stable; that these kinds of things (running the the hosptial all the time) would be a non-issue. And THAT was what the court was looking for... they are looking for her to be STABLE. Not for her to refuse medical treatment when needed. She simply............ doesn't get it.

On to good news.

The kids got their report cards. ALL FOUR of them have all A's, B's and a few C's. NOBODY received a D or an F. This is the FIRST TIME EVER that they have done this. I am so so so so so proud of them.... you just can't imagine. When Kayla realized that she was not on restriction for the first time in a very long time, she nearly cried she was so happy.

Jonathan, well I could just do kart-wheels I'm so happy for him. He is spending the night and day with his Nana and Papa Jimmie. This is GREAT for him since he doesn't get to see them very much anymore (now that we are so far from South Tampa). I miss him though.... I called him on the phone and almost didn't recognize him because his voice was so low. :o)

Someone at church today asked me if I knew why the kids had done so well in school. I'm telling ya... it has to be the Wow Wall. Surrounding the kids with positive motivation all the time, it's worked for them. They strive to get A's and B's to put up on the wall and have little 'contests' with each other to see who has the most on the Wow Wall. All the striving for the A's and B's to put up on the wall have helped their grades go up. Yeah!

At Church today we talked about going from "Whatever" to "Wow". I realized during the sermon that we have not lived a "whatever" life since the end of 2006 when everything happened with the kids. Pastor Matthew talked about how sometimes God wants to do something in our life but we resist. I thought of all the things that God has asked us to do in our lives... and we have not resisted at all. None of it. Questioned it, sure. But at the same time realized that it was out of our hands and trused that God knew what he was doing. Oddly I then found an email from my mom when I was talking to her when all of this first happened. I was afraid... afraid of taking the kids... what it would mean financially... what a huge undertaking... the feeling of taking them 'from' my sister... afraid that I didn't have any more to give (remember we still had Doug at home and he wasn't doing well and Amanda had just moved out)... afraid that I wasn't the 'right' person to be doing this - maybe their Grandma Gwen should take them, or Auntie Katie.

What I kept thinking about during Matthew's message was that he really didn't talk about how to KEEP living the wow life if you are already there. Because, let me be the first to tell ya, SURE it's stressful over here and down-right crazy at times. But it's also incredible to live in the 'wow'... and I want to keep it up. I'm certain that at some point down the road things are going to calm down and a "new normal" will be established. Once that happens, it may FEEL like there are less "wows" as they won't be as evident or -- in your face, so to speak. But I still want to live for Him... doing the right thing, every day of my life.

Speaking of doing the right thing. Julie just called. She is at the hosptial and nearly wrecked her car getting there. (She drove herself there - can't say a sentance straight - but drove herself.) They do not feel it was the insulin, they believe she has overdosed on her prescriptions. Julie claims she didn't, but in her frame of mind... maybe she doesn't remember. I do know that when Julie doesn't feel well (and she's been sick lately) she tends to take pills until she feels better. They said they are going to bakers act her. She said that it's okay because Brandon Hospital doesn't have a psychiatric ward so it won't look to the courts as if she went in for psychiatric reasons. I don't know what this means now about Tuesday, if she'll be out of the hospital in time for the court hearing. I told her that she should call Nick (he probably should hear her right now in the manner in which she is speaking) and ask him herself. While talking to her about this, she said "I thought that mom did....." then she stopped, and I said "what are you talking about?" She said, "oh, I was dreaming!" Jeez............ Something is most definately wrong with her, and as I said before, I haven't heard her this bad since last Christmas.

Jonathan just got home... and I missed him terribly this weekend. I better run.

Joy is not in things, it is in us.
Benjamin Franklin

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Baker's Act and Report Cards

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