Tina's Daily Blog: Appointment

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Appointment

Well helloooooo out there. Sorry I haven't been blogging as much. My time to do so at worked has been... nixed... so I find myself having to do it at home - which is always so chaotic it's just difficult to do here. But I try to find the time as it does help so much. I've been sick a little lately and boss sent me home to rest for a couple hours this morning. Thought I'd take a second to post.

I had a meeting last night with Dr. Vergeese and Nick, the DCF supervisor. Nothing 'new' happened -- Nick talked to the Doctor about his recommendation for Permanent Guardianship.

We were also explained more about what 'permanent guardianship' would mean. It would mean that the State is not involved while Julie works on getting herself better. Right now, the State is there for every right or wrong move Julie makes. Once permanent guardianship happens, Chris and I become the permanent guardians of the kids. Julie would be able to take the kids out on a Saturday, have fun with them, then bring them home to us at night. The kids would be allowed to spend the night over friends houses as we see fit - again because the State is no longer involved. There would, however, be rules set in place before it happens. Julie wouldn't be allowed to take them over night. And Julie would be given clear-cut rules of what she should and should not do - and if she breaks the rules she could potentially lose the kids permanently. What I mean by this is that under permanent guardianship, Julie will not lose her parental rights; She just won't have custody of them. They would tell her that she can petition the court (at her own time, when she and her therapist and psychiatrist feel it's the right 'time') to reopen the case. So.... the thought is that they would release State custody over the situation. When Julie is better she can go to court and the court may agree to reopen the case. When that happens we will all be exactly where we are now. The threat will always be there that they could terminate parental rights should she digress into a worse state (which I do not think will happen).

Course, keep in mind, all of this is 'recommendation' only. The 'fireworks meeting' is next Tuesday - then the Tuesday after that is the court date in which everything is decided. Keep us in your thoughts and prayers, okay?

So... those of you who read my blog comment saw the reference to the Applebees story. Guess I'll share that one with ya as well, while I'm in the story-telling month.

Chris and I went on a 'date' the end of December. I know, those of you thinking, "Tina, you and Chris splurged on yourself???" Well, I belong to a 'secret shopper' type program where you go an evaluate places and get reimbursed and paid for your time. This was a 'bar visit' we were supposed to do. As such we are supposed to pay close attention to every little detail of what happens at the bar and the interaction of guests and bartenders.

We get there and sit at the bar. There is a group of people to my right, around the other corner of the bar. To my left there is one empty chair and an older man sitting at the next chair. The group to my left are WASTED drunk. Doing many many many shots. Oh, and mom - before you ask - we are required to get two drinks each, no more - no less. Ha ha ha ha.

So.... a little bit into our visit an attractive black woman comes into the bar. Dressed okay - nice bar casual I guess. She sits down, OMG, she is WITH the old man! Okay, I figure, old man = good money. She sits down next to me and begins to talk to me. She was EXTREMELY outgoing.

Well... you wouldn't BELIEVE all the stuff we had in common. She had teenagers, I have teenagers. She likes going to nice condos on the beach, I do as well! She even likes camping if it's not in a tent - and so do I! It's incredible how much stuff we found to talk about!! Ooooo... like I told her about Crystal Springs for camping and she told me about Blue Springs and we mentioned it would be fun to go together sometime. Like a double family camping adventure! Fun fun!!

New Years eve is approaching in the next few days and she tells me that she's rather new to the area (moved here from Sarasota) and she doesn't really have any 'friends'. I immediately know that we could hang out together and be GREAT friends!

At some point, after she and I we very comfortable talking, she turned her attention to the other end of the table, the group of guys who were VERY drunk. She mentions that they have not yet bought HER (and me) a free round of drinks! The guys (being asked this by a very attractive woman) naturally oblige. (Although I turned down my free drink.. I knew better than that!)

Then the woman begins to tell everyone about her 'job'. Apparently she's a paralegal who can do just about everything an attorney can do, as well as taxes. (So she says) She's just started out her own business and she doesn't yet have cards, so she writes her name and number down on napkins and hands them out to me and to the guys at the other side of the table.

I should mention here that throughout the evening, Chris is chuckling throughout much of the conversations and such. Her boyfriend (the old man) seemed.... disengaged I guess is the right word for it. Almost as if he was just happy to have her in the chair next to him. He didn't seem to mind her talking to me and the others at the table all night, nor her handing out her phone number. I assumed this was because he was and old white man who was totally not in her league and he knew it.

Before we leave she gives me a hug and reminds me to call her about New Years. Ah yes, I could SO see us hanging out together.

We get to the car and Chris tells me "You DO realize who she was, right?" I'm like... "Yeah of course, a paralegal." He says "Noooo, what was she doing here tonight?" I mention that she met her boyfriend for drinks. He gives me a look like "You can't POSSIBLY be that naive!" He tells me... she was a working woman.... a lady of the night.... probably some kind of escort service. UH.... WOW. Here I thought we were going to go camping together, or maybe hang out on New Years Eve. I was SO ready to ring in the new year with her! But............ she was WORKING me?? Are you serious?? And thinking about it........ yeah.... it all fits. Totally fits.

So.... our first date in God only knows how long, and I - of all people - got hit on by a hooker. Jeez Louise!!!!!!!!!!!

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Appointment

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