Tina's Daily Blog: It's Official....

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

It's Official....

Well.... it's official. The kids have been given to us permanently. Julie is not allowed to see them unless she is 'within eye-site of me at all times'.

I was surprised at how quick everything went today. I arrived right at 10 an they called us back first. Julie wasn't there, she is still in the hospital. Her attorney wasn't there. I tried to call Julie on my cell phone and tell her to call in so that she could be on speaker phone for the meeting, but the Judge wouldn't have it. (He chastized me for being on the phone.) He said he wouldn't allow her to 'call in' for the meeting anyways.

The DCF said everything they had to say. They explained that although Julie had been trying to follow her case plan, she was not mentally... maturing. They stated that she was unable to be present today because she had been baker's acted. They said that Julie told them the reason she was in the hospital was because of her sugar, but Nick stated that when he spoke with her in person there, that he couldn't even understand her - she had such slurred speech. He stated that he felt that Julie was in the hospital for some kind of misuse of medication. He stated that her decision making process was not good and therefore they were changing their request for unsupervised visits and asking the courts that all Julie's visits be supervised. The judge agreed.

The asked the guardian ad litem for their thoughts. They said that they 'whole-heartedly agreed' with the decision to give us permanent custody with only supervised visits by Julie.

The judge asked me if I was clear on what 'supervised vists' meant. He told me that Julie was never to be with the kids when she was not within eye-site of me. I told him that I understood.

Then the judge asked me if I had any questions. I had written a list between last week and this week to take with me. (surprise, surprise huh? LOL)

The kids will still have Medicaid benefits which is good because that gives them Dental coverage. I then realized that ALL of my other questions/concerns were null and void. Other questions I was going to ask were: What if Julie takes them and breaks the rules? Who do I call? What happens when Julie goes back to court and tries to get her kids back... can you assure me that they will re-staff the case and not just give them back to her immediately? But with Supervised visits... none of these things are of issue. The judge and everyone there pretty much told me that, given Julie's mental health issues - she would need a miracle to get her kids back.

When I called to tell Julie as best I could about what happened, and she found out that her visits had to be supervised she said "well, I guess since you weren't going to let me bring them to my house that's fine. I can't do anything anyways. I don't care." I was dumbfounded at this response. Her lack of caring. She could take them ANYWHERE - except her home. And yet, because of that, she doesn't care about seing them alone. Just sad really.

I went to the prayer chapel at Church this past Sunday and prayed about the whole thing. Julie had just been baker's acted earlier that day... and I knew that this was going to GREATLY affect what was going to happen at court today. I prayed and angry prayer... asking God WHY... why did Julie have to go through all of this? Why can't He, who can do ANYTHING, just make her better - like right NOW? In my heart I felt the answer.... Julie has had mental illness for 37 years... if she were healed, it would be a process - a long process, no overnight. Not in a month. Not even in a year. 37 years of mental problems... and it was going to take quite some time for her to get better, if it's possible for her to do so.

Julie probably should have never had kids to begin with. But she had Ron, and he was her rock... her strength... he gave Julie and those kids 13 happy years. He went to war to fight for our freedom and as a result, went to be with God. And the BEST place for these kids as a result of all of this... is with me. How great it is though that the kids AND Julie had those 13 years.

I remember when we first got the kids... we all felt Julie needed long-term treatment. You know, one of those places Dr. Phil sends his guests to... the kind of place that nobody should really be able to afford but they are out there anyways. Julie needs something like that. Some place where they will really listen to her. Dig deep into her psyche. Teach her how to take pills without abusing them. Teach her how to take care of herself. And really work with her. Yet, I don't know if such a place exists for people like Julie. Instead she is bakers acted, treated for 24-48 hours and released. Sigh.........

Today is Kayla's 16th Birthday. We are taking her to some crab place down in Brandon. I want to celebrate with the kids... but I don't know if that is the right thing to do. For if you look at it another way, today it's official that their mom lost custody of them permanently. Although, I'd rather think of it as the day their relationship with their mom -- changed. She's still a part of their lives. She still can come and see them. She can still attend their birthday parties, Christmas, Easter, etc. She just isn't charged with raising them. She can truly BE more of a friend than a mom... which is what she was trying to do anyways. And yet... I don't know how the kids are going to take it.

But ya know... these kids are resiliant. They have shocked me at every turn. They are great kids who get better every day. I'll bet they are going to surprise me with how well they take this news today. :o)

Speaking of today... I finally got the cold that everyone else had last week. YUCK, I feel horrible. Happy, yet horrible. :o) And with that, I've got to run to work - lunch time is over. Thank you for all of your prayers. Please continue them as we begin a new chapter in our lives.

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

It's Official....

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