Tina's Daily Blog: Julie's Therapist

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Julie's Therapist

I received a phone call last night from Julie's therapist, Dr. Vergeese. I think by now we all know how I feel about Dr. Vergeese. He's been treating her for over 15 years and Julie is still - well - where she is.

When he first called, he wanted me to make an appointment to come see him at his office. After my last two visits, I was unwilling to waste any more time doing that. So this time when he wanted to see me, I told him that he could call me anytime and we could discuss it on the phone.

He called and told me that Julie was putting intense pressure on him to write a letter. He asked me how I thought Julie was doing. I told him that I was impressed with how well she was doing... that she hadn't done drugs or abused her prescriptions in many months, that she had a job and was doing well with it, and that overall she just seemed to be doing much better. When he asked for my areas of concern, I told him that I only really had two: one being that she was still having the sex addict problems and I told him about the 23-year old guy moving in w/ her from out of state that she didn't know (except from talking to him on the Internet) and two being that she was doing what she was TOLD to do, not because she understands what she did was wrong. I felt as if she didn't understand WHY she was doing it that way... and that if she was just doing it because someone told her to with no real moral compass, that when left on her own, she might not not do very well.

He told me that he had the same concerns. Well, almost the same concerns that is. He knew she was a sex addict and that she had been continuing down that road unchecked by anyone at DCF. He did NOT know about the guy moving in with her. (oops) He was pretty upset about this and told me that - before the kids moved back home, this issue WOULD be addressed. The other thing he was concerned about was that Julie was (his words) extremely 'superficial' right now. He went on to explain that, on the surface she was doing much better. But he was still deeply concerned as she still has no "values, morals and ethics". We went on to discuss whether or not this could be learned and he stated that he had hope that she could learn. He felt that, if she could learn to stop the drugs, self medicating and self mutilation, then maybe she could learn morals, ethics and value. Along with the 'surface' discussion, he talked about how she WAS doing what she needed to do, but only because someone TOLD her to do it.

He told me that he did not think Julie should get the kids back yet, as he still had a lot of work to do with her before he felt comfortable with that. He agreed that the kids were 'safe' right now and that made it easier to work with Julie on just Julie. I can totally and completely understand this.... if I had something that I myself needed to work on about myself, it would be difficult, if not impossible, to do it while the kids were here. They require a LOT of supervision, time, love, time, support and time. Did I mention time? Yeah.....

He wants to have a meeting with myself and Natalia (the new DCF worker). I told him that I would call her and ask her about it, but not to expect it anytime soon. (I already have 2 calls out to her and haven't heard from her yet) He said he wants to know what DCF was thinking and what their plan of action was, and I told him that they wouldn't know that yet - that they were waiting for Julie to get some other mental exam done and then they would decide. He doesn't want to wait. He said that Julie keeps pushing him to write some letter (he actually said this multiple times throughout the conversation) stating that she was all better now and should get her kids back, and that, he just couldn't do it. I think he wants a meeting in person to say this as he doesn't want to put anything on paper. He's always been that way... as if he doesn't want to hurt Julie's feelings.

My concern is that - Julie knows I talked to him. Heck, she is the one who set it all up. What if she asks me what we talked about? Should I tell her that I told him about her 23-year old guy? I've definitely gotten the feeling that Vergeese says one thing to her face but has a different opinion when she's not right there. If that's so... then maybe Julie is really expecting him to write a letter saying that she should get her kids back soon. I think my plan of action for now is to do nothing. I put another call out to Natalia... and I'm just going to talk to her about my list of things I need to go over with her, including Vergeese. If Julie asks... I'll be non-specific. We'll see if that works.

As to the visit itself (I know you are chomping at the bits to know how it went) - it was okay. She came over and brought TONS of Popeye's food. The kids then mentioned going to Coldstone, and Julie had never been, so we took her there for dessert. Meanwhile, Chris and Jonathan had dinner with Chris's mom Evelyn who just had a birthday. Amanda and Gene didn't come home till much later - so for the actual 'dinner' there were only 5 of us. Only 5... that's funny. The only bad part about dinner was watching Julie eat. Sigh... I know this isn't nice.... but it's really gross to watch her eat. Food falls out of her mouth, sauce or other food just stuck all over her face and mouth. I talked to her about her weight, and she said that she's actually lost weight, which I find really hard to believe. But ANYways... everything about dinner went pretty good all in all.

At the visit Julie made mention several times to the kids about their rooms.. how much they had been cleaned out for them (cleaning lady was there cleaning while she was with us) and how great it was going to be when they got back home. I was okay with this, but at several points during her visit, I did wonder where she got so MUCH money. She spent over $60 on dinner, her nails again looked great, new clothes, she talked about her house-keeper she had at the house, and she had plenty of cash in her wallet when we went out for ice cream. I know she's working... but at $7.50 an hour, how much extra cash could she have? And all of us family know that this time of the month... end of the month... she is usually really broke. Yeah... and a lot of that is sister jealousy... I'd love to have my nails done.... pedicure.... new clothes... and pay for a house-keeper. Yeah... that would be awesome. So some jealousy there, but I think I've earned the right to be a little jealous over this. :o)

Kayla got another grade uploaded today. The high schoolers have their grades posted online which is GREAT... although not all the teachers have uploaded yet. Kayla - so far - has two subjects posted... one she has an F and one she has a D. SO.... she's going to be on restriction until this comes up! It's sad because she is not allowed on the computers at home, so she's either watching TV with us, out playing basketball, or in her room drawing. And most ALL of this she can do with a phone plastered to her ear. I think we are going to have to take the phone away... which I know is going to kill her. But she HAS to bring her grades up.

I better run... must finish working so I can get home and enjoy our Anniversary. We're just going to choir tonight. I haven't stopped to get Chris a card yet... and not sure if I should. In the past... Chris and I had had some very financially difficult times. It was during those time we created the card exchanging tradition. Who wants to pay $4.00 for a CARD?? So... we'd go to a store together, find the PERFECT card for one another, and then exchange them. We'd read them right there in the store. Do our little "awwwww's". Kiss. Say how perfect the card was. Then put it back on the shelf and leave. LOL Knowing the kids are with us and how strapped we are, I figured it was a card exchanging kind of year. Oh, and, Chris - if you are reading this.... "I LOVE YOU HONEY!" This one is for you.....

This Day I Married My Best Friend
This day I married my best friend...
the one I laugh with as we share life's wondrous zest,
as we find new enjoyments and experience all that's best....
the one I live for because the world seems brighter
as our happy times are better and our burdens feel much lighter....
the one I love with every fiber of my soul.
We used to feel vaguely incomplete, now together we are whole.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...: Tina,

Happy Anniversary Sweetheart! Our Thursday night dinner at BoneFish Grill was wonderful. I can't believe that you actually ate fish and liked it. WOW! You never cease to amaze me.

I love you,
Chris; 7:40 AM

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Julie's Therapist

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